You Know You're A Mom When...

- poop, pee, throw up, and snot have gotten on your clothes and hands without bothering you

- a visit to your bathroom is "me time"

- you remember things by your kids' milestones.

- you sometimes secretly laugh at young single people who don't have kids when say they never have enough time or energy

- you tear up because your child said "I love you" whether they know what it means or not

- you look forward to naptime so you can get stuff done

- you look at stretch marks as battle scars

- eight o'clock PM sounds like a great time to go to bed

- holidays seem to sneak up on you

- it takes you twice as long to do everything

- children's helmets, harnesses, and straitjackets don't seem like bad ideas

- the one thing you want at the end of the day is peace and quiet

And last but not least, you know you're a mom when...
- no other experience can or ever will compare to the birth of your child(ren).

Thank You Lord For...

I don't have the time, energy, or words to express every blessing given to me (nor does anyone want to read a list that just goes on and on forever!). Every breath I take and every heartbeat is a gift from God. I love You Lord for loving me. Even if I never met, knew, or had any of these people or things on this list, I would still be blessed far beyond the heavens by simply knowing You. So I just want to acknowledge some of the many gifts I have been given.


Thank You Lord for:

*my husband- I can't even begin to express how awesome Your choice for me was!
*my children- so precious and amazing (Stephen squirmed like crazy when I typed this out!)
*my family (by birth and marriage)- only You could have planned this incredible group of people!
*my friends- every single one of them is a miracle from You!
*my spiritual brothers and sisters- only by Your grace can I experience such wonderful fellowship!
*my neighbors- they are really neat people
*the loved ones who are with You this year and that I will see them again- what a hope!


Thank You Lord for:

*my house with three bedrooms and a bathroom!-(so much space and I love the bathroom!)
*electricity- I only have to flip a switch to turn on a light
*heat and air conditioning- I am spoiled
*kitchen appliances- I would not be able to cook without these
*electronics- my cell phone and computer are my line to the outside world
*my bed with a pillowtop- such sweet sleep (thanks for that too!)
*clothes on my back- (and especially clothes that fit!)
*running water- I would go crazy without it
*hot running water- what a gift hot water is!


Thank You Lord for:

*allowing me to stay at home with my children- I don't miss out on all the great stuff they do
*the ability to have children- enough said. :-)
*convictions
*music and the ability to sing in tune (my husband thanks You for this too)
*education (the gift of literacy is especially sweet when I get to read to my children)
*memories (especially those with loved ones who are with You now)
*laughter- I'd go crazy without this one!
*a healthy husband- what a gift!
*my daughter's ability to give hugs and kisses- no words can express how amazing they are!
*giving me a husband who is my best friend in the whole world (enough said!)
*Elmo- (Phoebe loves Elmo)
*Hello Kitt- (Phoebe loves Hello Kitty)



Thank You Lord for:

*giving me a daughter first- she's such a great helper
*giving me a son second- and that I get to experience having a son!
*placing my little family in an amazing body of believers- such sweet fellowship and love
*allowing so many friends to be pregnant in the same time span as myself- this is just too cool!
*that this pregnancy seems to be easier now- I can actually walk without limping
*bringing my stinky husband home safely every day- I love seeing his smiling face
*providing for our every need- some weeks I can't see how You do it, but You always do


Thank You Lord for:

*revealing Yourself and saving me at a young age- You spared me from so much
*bringing my husband into a relationship with you at a young age- what an incredible man you made
*being seperated from Your One and only Son while He died on the cross so that we could be together forever.- I'll never understand how awful that was. Thank You.
*knowing all the plans You have for me, my husband, my daughter, my son, and if You will it, the many other children You will give to us.
*being so much greater than my mind can comprehend yet close enough to understand and care about the things I go through.
*Christ. Life would not be worth living were it not for the hope I have in Him.

Food For Thought

Why do they call it a "pu pu" platter?

Why do they only make dessert smelling candles? Someone should make candles that smell like burgers or chinese food- they sure could make a lot of money.

Has anyone ever noticed that watermelon tastes like a super sweet cuccumber? It could be just me.

Why do they call cilantro seeds "coriander"?

I want sushi.

Dr. Pepper... did he invent it?

Who else is afraid of ordering off a foreign menu?

Life is not like a box of chocolates... those boxes usually have a diagram of where the said chocolate flavor is at.

A hot dog does NOT look like a dog. A dog usually has four legs, ears, and a tail. They should call it a meat stick.

Why do they call it a doughnut? Sure it's made of dough, but where are the nuts?

I'm glad they differantiate between real food and "baby" food. I would NEVER know the difference. :-p (sarcasm)

They're are so many cakes... cupcakes, shortcakes, angel food cake, sheet cakes, and bunt cakes. But where are the bowl cakes, tall cakes, demon cakes, ream cakes, and strike cakes? Think about it.

Sugar, and spice, and all that's nice, that's what little girls are made of. But don't eat mine.

Finally...

I feel for split peas and black-eyed peas... they have the worst luck of all legumes.

I've been thinking about the reasons why I stay at home and I've come to this conclusion...

I stay at home because... *get ready for it*... it's what's best for my child(ren).

In a world so adult-centered naturally caring and loving parents have turned to what's best for the children in the "end" instead of what's best for them in the "now". So now that I have upset many moms and dads who put their children in daycare- hear me out. I know that many parents don't have a choice- single moms who don't have that father to help out financially and yes maybe fathers raising their children alone and even those who have to work second and third jobs just to get by. But I'm talking about moms and dads who do have a choice. Situations where a mother doesn't have to work full time in order to pay bills (necessary bills- not like the extravagant ones like a third vehicle (even a brand new second one) or a HUGE house that really has waaaaay too much space and extra amenities to make the "sacrifice" worth it). I've probably gotten myself in deeper trouble, but I have to write this because a very thought provoking books has entered my existence and I just needed to write this somewhere and I figure what better place to write it than on Facebook?

For those who actually want to listen to these ramblings with an open mind- please continue reading. For those who are very upset at me for even bringing this up... sorry- you don't have to keep reading and you can just pretend I never said anything, keeping our Facebook relationship intact.

So... this book I'm reading has taught me that society itself has taught us since the 60's and even 70's that we need to think about ourselves as adults- what makes us happy, successful, how to rise the proverbial ladder quicker and more efficiently. Sadly- this has left adults thinking less of the children that they happen to have living under the same roof. I'm not judging what has already happened- that's for you to decide- I'm just writing. I'll give you an example... would you as a parent WILLINGLY put your child in a place where they would get sicker, more aggressive, and become emotionally estranged from their mothers more rapidly? I know I wouldn't, but that's what Daycare, according to lots and lots of research, does for children. But let's put the research aside... can you imagine what your child goes through when they are dropped off? Imagine for a moment that you have no concept of where you're at or time and the person you've seen everyday since you can rememember just leaves you. I would totally freak-out. That is what many kids, even well adjusted ones, go through. It gets even worse when you have an ear-ache, fever, vomiting, and just plain feel horrible. No mommy to comfort you or hold you (or even take you to the doctor in a timely manner sometimes- which makes it worse) What about the other children around their little sick friend? Well- they get sick too and the cycle repeats. And what about the daycare workers? I was one for 8 months and I can tell you there is nothing worse than seeing a child who is sick and needs to see a doctor immediately and the mom comes in flustered, not because her child is sick, but because she had to take time off of work to come in a pick up this little nuisance when there's so much work to be done. It's sad, even heartbreaking and I wasn't even a parent OR married at that point in my life! Would you willingly put your child through that? Some parents don't have a choice, but many do. And lots of women in particular say to themselves, "I have a career"- "I couldn't stay at home- I'd go crazy!" Does this sound like the importance is placed on the adult or on the child? Fifty years ago women wouldn't give a second thought to staying home. So what has changed? Our mentality- that's what. PTA meetings used to have huge numbers of available mothers- now- it's rare to have ten without scheduling conflicts. I'm not gonna go into the aggressive behavior (aka biting, hitting, and yelling). All daycare workers KNOW what THAT'S like. History has shown us through such wonderful people as the Columbine shooters, and Ted Bundy that many children who remain unsupervised and have two working parents don't always turn out "ok". Why has the rate of ADD and ADHD gone up rapidly, why has obesity hit an all time high, and why are so many children, AND now grown adults, medicated since thirty years ago and many teenage girls getting pregnant? I know the answer to that one because tons and tons of research has been done. But why is it being ignored? Because of our adult-centered society. They give the excuse that children need less and less parent attention by scholarly child experts and pediatricians. Like many of those stupid drug companies who make up excuses for you to take stuff - they'll say anything to make you feel better about the decisions you make. But it's a complete fallacy- children need their parents even more and they need parents especially when they're young (daycare age).

Don't assume that just because I stay at home that I'm high and mighty- nothing could be further from the truth. There have been many days where I think to myself, "Why do I stay at home? This is so hard." I get selfish and wish that maybe I had another option. I don't go to play groups and almost every day is just me and Phoebe until 5 o'clock or later. It gets lonely. But do I quit? Absolutely NOT! The best thing a parent can give their child is themself. No money or car or house or "fun" can replace the need for a loving pair of parent arms to wrap around them when they take their first step or when they fall down after climbing onto something. When I worked in a daycare I was with the babies mostly- and when those kids took their first steps inthat classroom- it was one of the worst feelings I could feel because I knew that their parent had missed that moment. Maybe it's because I worked in a daycare that I felt in my heart that I'd never do that to my child. Thankfully I do have a husband who supports me. We could easily afford a bigger house, another car, and lots of stuff if I was working. But what's worth more? My child or the stuff? In twenty years what would be worse? Having an empty house and kids who don't know me or not getting that promotion for the many years I worked? I think you know the answer to that one.

I write all this to say that I had to write something- spill my guts and empty my soul becuase, Wow... I'm a mom and I have precious little people who look to me for their needs.

PS- going back to not judging, but analyzing the information... I can't judge because my own mom worked. I love my mom. We're not as close as I wish we could be, but I love her. And as far as I can remember we never went to Daycare- for that I say thanks Mom.

In conclusion- if I have upset you I apologize. Just take this as my venting and if you're touchy about this subject- welcome to the club. If you're interested in the book I'm reading, the title is "Home-Alone America" by Mary Eberstadt. It's late and I should probably get to bed... long day tomorrow with Phoebe and "Baby #2". :-)

Second Conversation With Myself

Me: "It was so cool... yesterday I found those vinyl training pants. Unbelievable! I thought they stopped making them forever."

I: "Yeah- and at two bucks a pop they were a steal! So exciting!"

Me: "But now we have to actually put them to use."

I: "Hey- our problems are not THAT bad."

Me: "The pants are way too small for us dufus! They're for Phoebe."

I: "Duh- I was being funny... loser."

Me: "What-ev. So anyhoo... we now are at a crossroads. To potty train or not to potty train."

I: "I say that she needs to start- the sooner the better!"

Me: "You're probably right. But do you think she's ready?"

I: "Phoebe will be fine. She tries to pull up her own pants and says "pee-pee" often enough."

Me: "She says "pee-pee" like every 10 minutes- and who know what she's REALLY saying."

I: "We should implement the every 30 minutes "schedule". Every 30 minutes we put her on her little potty. Completely do away with diapers during the day except when she's napping and bedtime."

Me: "I think she should still have diapers handy for outtings too."

I: "Wimp."

Me: "What? It's a reasonable suggestion."

I: "Where's your sense of adventure?!"

Me: "You stole it. Besides I don't want to deal with keeping a poopy training pant in the diaper bag. People are going to look at us like we... you know..."

I: "Farted? Messed our pants?"

Me: "Yeah."

I: "You're such a ninny!"

Me: ".... Whatever... soooooo anyway... maybe we should hold off on the potty training until after Stephen's born."

I: "You want to deal with THAT many diapers?"

Me: "But if we start now it'll just be something else to put Phoebe through. We're already going to be changing rooms and getting stuff set up for Stephen and after Stephen's here Phoebe's already going to be going through alot. Let's just let her adjust to everything first."

I: "She'll be two by the time everything is "normal" again. By then she'll be out of the novelty phase of going potty. In any case- we shouldn't treat her like she'll be traumatized for the rest of her life simply because stuff is changing in her world and we potty train in the middle of it. She has adjusted extremely well (and might I add quickly) when she's faced a change in her oh so short life. We are not raising a marshmellow."

Me: "Your observation is duly noted. And I agree- Phoebe is not a marshmellow... I suppose we can just see how well she does now and who knows, maybe she'll catch on really fast."

I: " Ha! I win!"

Me: "BUT we still take diapers on outtings!"

I: "Fine."

Is It Weird That I Talk to Myself?

CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF ABOUT WEIGHT:


Me: "Hey there."

I: "Hi."

Me: "You know, you're getting kinda fat."

I: "I'm pregnant."

Me: "Oh yeah. So when's this gonna, you know..."

I: "In March, hopefully the end of February."

Me: "Whew! I thought we were gonna be like this forever!"

I: "Do you think we'll lose the weight fast like with the first one?"

Me: "I hope so- you don't look as attractive with that second chin."

I: "Ugh... I totally agree. I can handle feeling like Shamu, but that second chin puts a real damper on this whole experience."

Me: "Really?"

I: "No."

Me: "Do you think you'll ever look like you did in college?"

I: "Whaddya mean? The 5'4" 110 lbs. of skin and bone? I don't think so."

Me: "Well at least you're being realistic."

I: "I wish I could be that small again, but you remember what we went through. I could never do THAT again."

Me: "Yeah- we were really dumb huh?"

I: "Yeah- stupid social pressures to be super skinny."

Me: "Yeah."

I: "Stephen kicked again."

Me: "Yup... It's so worth it though."

I: "What's worth what?"

Me: "The process of having kids... the changes that happen physically and emotionally and mentally. Phoebe and Stephen are worth every stretch mark and every pound that may or may not ever come off."

I: "I agree. When Phoebe cried for the first time- all those maternal fat stores didn't mean anything."

Me: "Yeah. And when Stephen cries for the first time- they still won't mean anything. Now- after a few days of looking pregnant and not being pregnant, the fat stores might bother me."

I: "Ehh, the hubby says we're going to have a gym membership and we'll get small again."

Me: "Yay for gym memberships! Remember he used to be our workout buddy in college."

I: "He's soooo the best workout buddy ever! Well... except for you."

Me: "Thanks. Hey, do you think we'll ever get washboard abs?"

I: "Hahahaha- that's like asking if I'll ever model for a magazine."

Me: "After what you put me through? Psssh! I don't think so."

I: "Well... Phoebe needs to go to bed and you need to make the hubster lunch and breakfast."

Me: "You mean 'you' right?"

I: "Riiiiight."

Ponderings From the Second Go-Round

As a first time preggo- everything was cause for anxiety. What's that pain- is something wrong? I don't feel right- is something wrong? I'm a hormonal wreck- is this normal? I'm sooo fat- ugh! I don't exercise enough, I don't drink enough water, I don't get enough protein, is it normal to have these feelings? What is baby going to be like, what's LABOR going to be like, is it gonna hurt as much as I think it will? I just want this baby OUT!!! And turns out... we both came out of everything just fine. I know there are alot of women who don't have as great an experience and yes there are women out there who have an even better experience (like no ripping, all natural, and look as great after as they did before they got pregnant). And then there's women who can't get pregnant... or can't have a "normal" pregnancy.

So here's to the second go-round. Totally different experience so far... except for the nausea and achiness and potty breaks round the clock. Different gender, different demeanor, not so much kicking, and not so much anxiety. I didn't even feel pregnant for the first trimester (the only reminder was the aforsaid three). I've taken a lot of things for granted because the first pregnancy went off without a hitch (it was when she wanted to come out that things went awry). But new anxieties have arisen. The main one being- LABOR.

I know what not to expect this time around. I'm not expecting to flitter into the hospital calm or collected. i'm not expecting for everything to go according to plan and most definitely I'm NOT expecting to have a painless experience. With Phoebe I was induced and they said that the contractions were alot harder than "natural" ones. After all was said and done- I had figured I could handle any contractions that weren't as hard as those ones because honestly- they hadn't been super bad like "I'm going to kill someone" bad or "I'm going to die" bad.

But now the hard part... what DO I expect to happen? I know it's going to hurt and it's gonna hurt sooner. I never really experienced labor before my water broke- and I only experienced Braxton Hicks (that I could discern) a few times. My body freaked and well... I wish I could say I didn't. I know that if I go "natural" I probably will tear and it's gonna hurt alot more because I'll feel it this time. I know that if I have an epidural the chances of repeat spinal headaches are possible. Some days I wish I was completely oblivious to what could happen. So many if's and I have absolutely no control over them whatsoever.

I remember talking to a dear Sister about my fear of having another child and she told me to think on Christ. I asked her... how? She explained that Christ knew exactly what was going to happen though He had never experienced it before. He knew the pain He'd endure and He still followed through setting His face like a flint- totally focused- to the point where His disciples were in fearful awe. He also knew He would be completely seperated from His Father- totally alone. But above all Christ knew that it would not last forever and at the end of the suffering, shame, and loneliness, He would triumph and bring many people into Heaven with Him.

I know it'll be painful, possibly excruciatingly painful, but it won't last forever. "And it shall come to pass" has become my encouraging term. The nausea- has come to pass- thankfully! The pain shall come to pass, the fear shall come to pass, the labor shall come to pass, and after it all there will be my little son- cradled in my arms. There we will be- a growing family. That will be my focus... the end of one stage and the beginning of another. I actually feel peace about the end of this pregnancy period- the labor and birth. And that is the best feeling in the world to a growing Preggo on her second go-round.

Can One?

Being an emotional and physical wreck apparently opens up a whole new world of contemplation and I figure at least my mind isn't gone (although my memory is starting to dwindle). So I sit and think since sitting and thinking tend to be done very well at the same time.


Can one touch and not feel?

Can one examine and not see?

Can one listen and not hear?

Can one eat and not taste?

Can one be loved and not love?

Can one TRULY seek Christ and never find Him?


The answer is no.




Can one be sick and healthy?

Can one be crowded and alone?

Can one be tired with lots of energy?

Can one be poor with abundant riches?

Can one live and die in the same moment?

Can one sleep and be awake?

Can one sing without a voice?

Can one cry and not be sad?

Can one hurt without bodily harm?

Can one carry and hold nothing?

Can one be raised in church and never see heaven?

The answer is yes.

Think...Thought...Life...Purity

What do you think of when you think purity? You think... physical, right? Oh as long as I don't look or touch I'm okay. Maybe that's what you're thinking to yourself... but even though you don't look or touch you still... think. Alot of what we say and do begins with a single thought. When I was a teenager I went to the Love God's Way and True Love Waits conferences among lots of other seminars on no drinking or no drugs, but none of those things helped me be pure... in fact to prove how counteractive these conferences were I want to let you know that alot of the girls who accompanied me on these trips ended up pregnant before they graduated from highschool. Sex, alcoholism, homosexuality, drug addiction, pornography, stealing, rape, and dare I say it... murder... these all begin with a single thought. Now I want you to do a little exercise with me. I want you to try to think of everything else than the one word I type out. Ready? Okay here goes...

DON'T THINK OF THIS...

- a shark

HA!!! Admit it... you thought of a shark didn't you? You probably thought of it swimming around, and maybe eating something.

Okay... let's try another one. Don't think of...

-ice cream

Gotcha again! You might've imagined strawberry ice cream, maybe chocolate, or even vanilla, and yes... one of my favorites... Raspberry Truffle. (okay maybe not that exact one)

You have failed my test. Your thoughts kept coming back to the mentioned item didn't they?

The reason I'm writing this note is to express what I have struggled with my entire life... my Thought Life. How can you be pure without having a pure thought life? Even as a married woman with a daughter, I still struggle with my thought life. My anger, my frustration, my envy, my gluttony, all the sins I have committed without lifting a finger... they all exist in my head and my heart. So why do I think about these things?! Aren't you supposed to NOT think of the bad things? My test provided the proof I need to bring my point across. The point is when we focus on the thing we are NOT supposed to think of... we actually push ourself into thinking about it. As a teenager... hormones raging wild... we go to these conferences that focus on SEX!!! So when we go back home into our own little world we think of how we're supposed to stay away from sex which leaves us thinking more and more about sex. Well... THAT'S counterproductive!

SO how do we fix it? How are we supposed to not think of what we're not supposed to be thinking of? The key is where our focus is. If we focus on what we're NOT supposed to be thinking... we think of that. But what if we focus on something completely different? Here's another little test... don't worry you're not getting a grade on this one.

Let's think of these three things... okay go...

1. Calvary
2. Heaven
3. Jesus Christ

If you're mind was focused on these three things answer me this... were you thinking of the new gadget you want for Christmas? Okay- good. And were you thinking of that cute guy/ girl at your church that you'd like to go see a movie with? not until I said something anyway. I want to share with you a few scriptures.

A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. James 1:8

Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. James 4:8

Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy THOUGHTS shall be established. Proverbs 16:3

Finally bretheren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are PURE, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise... THINK ON THESE THINGS. Philippians 4:8

Just mull those verses around in your head. For me my heart and my thoughts are so intertwined and when the Lord says purity... that speaks to me of not just with my body, or my heart, but in my mind! The bible tells me what will happen to me when I'm not focused... INSTABILITY! Purify your hearts ye double-minded! He's speaking to ME!!! But the Lord doesn't leave us to figure out our own way of not focusing on bad things. The Lord speaks through Paul and tells me the things I SHOULD think of. AND if you think carefully... you'll find that each one of those WHATSOEVER'S in Philippians 4:8 speaks of Jesus Christ. HE is TRUE... HONEST... JUST... PURE... LOVELY... OF GOOD REPORT (the BEST report!)... VIRTUOUS... WORTHY OF PRAISE (forever and ever amen!). THINK on JESUS!

In another version Proverbs 16:3 reads... "Commit your activities to the Lord and your plans will be achieved." How perfect to compare THOUGHTS with PLANS... because isn't it so true that our thoughts are actually plans that haven't been decided on or carried out. Focus yourself on Christ today... what you're doing today- give them to the Lord and the plans for tomorrow (our thoughts) are achieved/ established. If it's all committed to God... how can we plan (THINK OF) for premarital sex? or an unexpected pregnancy? or a drug addiction? or stealing from your parents? It's not possible.

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

There's a hymn that I love to sing sometimes... "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look FULL in His wonderful face, and the things of Earth will grow STRANGELY DIM, in the LIGHT of His GLORY and GRACE." I'll leave that at that. May the Lord bless you as you think on Him in all His awesomeness. :-D

So I Finally Gave In to the Mess

As hard as it may be to believe- I have only allowed my daughter to "feed herself" at most three times in her lifetime. Once she turned a year old I figured it was only a matter of time before she would have to learn to eat on her own. So today I gathered up the courage, the trashbags, and the plastic bib and let her get to it. Here I am witnessing my daughter pick up a spoon (whether turned upright or down) WITH FOOD IN IT and shovel it in her mouth, splatter it on her face, fling it in her hair and on the chair (and the floor) and all the while feeding herself without any help from me. I'm just sitting back at the table dodging the flying babyfood and I turn her way and she smiled at me with her spoon in hand and as much as I don't want to clean up the aftermath of this experience, I'm glad she can do it on her own (and very well for a beginner might I add). How fun it is to be a mom and I'm so blessed to be able to stay at home with her to see how her little adventures unfold. As my little toddler goes into pincer mode with the peas and carrots I will close this note. For those of you who have kids you know the feeling I'm experiencing. For those of you who don't have kids or have little ones who are not there yet- laugh at me and appreciate the fact that bottles don't make this much mess. :-D So... who's ready for a bath?! :-D

Unforgettable Birthday...

So yesterday was my birthday. My 25th Birthday. The night before- my twin sister (whose birthday is the same day as mine- duh.) was in the ER waiting to be checked out. She had severe side and stomach pain and a headache- all of which had gradually gotten worse. After talking with her and both of my parents I went to sleep. The morning of my birthday Larry prepped cereal for me and let me open my presents. I got a yoga block, a candle, and perfume from VS. I called my parents to see how Rachel (my twin) was doing. They had released her at 6am and found out that she was going to have a baby boy- so exciting! I asked if she was still hurting and indeed she was, but as long as the baby was fine (which he was) she was going to be okay. After Larry and I ate, we walked for about half an hour. We came back and stuffed Phoebe's diaper bag so we could go shopping. Now shopping is my favorite thing in the whole world to do so needless to say I enjoyed myself thoroughly. My friend Jamie called me around noon to tell me happy birthday and that she has a present for me and one for Phoebe too and if we could get together this weekend. I talked to Larry about it and I'll have to call her sometime today. I also got a call around 1pm to hear that Rachel was once again in the ER, but this time with bleeding and of course pain. The doctors hadn't found anything amiss in the sonogram and were confused as to what was going on. So I told my parents to keep me posted on her condition and said bye. Larry and Phoebe joined me at the theater to watch Star Trek- the movie I had been dying to see since I saw the first preview. It was a good movie. We got out around 4pm and headed home to get ready for dinner and for Phoebe to get ready to go to church with her grandparents. I heard from my parents again and this time my sister was being admitted into the hospital and she was dilating and scared. I was scared for her and for my little nephew- and prayed that they would be alright. I was expecting them to sew up her cervix and everything would be okay. Afterwards Larry and I went to dinner at Osaka and they sang happy birthday to me and cooked our food right in front of us. It was very entertaining- even if it was a Wednesday night and slow. I had sushi and it was sooooo good. Larry had filet mignon and enjoyed it thoroughly. After we picked up Phoebe from Larry's parents' house we went to bed.

Larry woke me up to kiss me goodbye before heading off to work. And around 7:45am I just couldn't sleep any longer so I got out of bed and started cleaning and such- the things a housewife does normally. I called my sister to see if she was okay, but no answer. My dad called me a few minutes later to tell me the news I feared would reach my ears. My sister had an infection in her uterus (where the baby is) and once the infection reaches the uterus the baby has no chance of survival. It was a really bad infection. They let her dilate and she gave birth to a 4 inch long baby boy at 6am on May 14th. He was born at 16 weeks gestation and as Rachel would later put it, "He was perfect". I cried- it felt like someone punched me in the stomach and I felt so much pain for my sister. It was as if my heart broke into little pieces and I felt numb. I called Larry crying and he said no words could express how sorry he was. I was angry and sad at the same tme. I was angry that the hospital didn't find it out sooner and deeply grieved for my sister.

So as I tried to compose myself before attending to Phoebe as she woke up- I thought to myself. A year ago around 5am San Antonio time my water broke. That would've been 6am time in Durham, where my sister is. I was 3 weeks early and my body was not preparing itself to deliver a baby- my contractions were eratic and infection was what I feared the most. 37 hours later my daughter was born. It could've happened so differently and Phoebe might not have made it, but she did and for that I'm thankful. Tomorrow I celebrate my daughter's entrance into the world and grieve for my nephew's departure. It's at times like this you ask God why? Why would you take away this precious life from someone who wanted it so much? Only He knows the answer to that question, but all I know is that in this tragedy good still reigns and my little nephew is smiling into the face of God- something I draw closer to with every breath I breathe. I never thought jealousy would creep up in a time like this, but my nephew is so happy and perfect and oh how I long to do what he is doing now. Face to face with Christ my Savior...

The BIG 25!!!!!

I'm officially two weeks away from turning a quarter of a century old. Most people think that your 25th birthday is just another birthday, but to me it is much more than that. 18 is the birthday that says you're a grown up, 21 is the birthday that says you can drink alcohol, but the reason 25 is such a big number for me is because well... I'm a quarter through a century and one more birthday closer to Heaven. If I can be indulgent for a few moments I'd like to take you through my train of thought...

This is the FIRST birthday of me officially being a mother (meaning the baby is out of the belly). Two days after I turn 25, my daughter will be turning 1. This will be my SECOND birthday married- yup almost a month after I turn 25 I will celebrate two wonderful years of marriage. I met my husband the day before I turned 20- so I can still say I was a teenager when I met him. And finally this will be my THIRD birthday graduated from college. I graduated in 2006. Those are probably the three biggest achievements I've reached and their relation to this coming birthday is pretty remarkable.

So as I'm two weeks away from turning 25 my ponderings rest on the fact that I'll also be celebrating 19 years of knowing my marvelous Lord and Savior. I actually turned 6 almost a month before I accepted the gift of knowing Jesus personally. Christ is the reason I am who I am- He's the reason I make most of the decisions I do- and He's also the reason I have few regrets in my life. Oh I have regrets as I look back, but not as many as I know others might have. He's brought me so far from the little girl in Sunday School who asked Him to save her from the bad things she had done, to take control of her life and to take her home to be with Him when she dies. He has NEVER failed me- no not once. Now I have a daughter and as much as I love her and hold her to be one of the most precious gifts in my life- I know He loves her so much more than I possibly could. And the love He has for her is the same special love He has for me, the same love He has for you. When I was 16, I couldn't see myself 17, when I was 17, I couldn't believe I was turning 18, and when I turned 21- MAN I was really in disbelief! (not due to alcohol by the way- I know some of you were thinking why 21?) You want to know why? It's because I expected that the Lord was gonna come back for me or take me home. So it's always a joy to get older for me because it's one more birthday closer to Christ. I look back on the past 25 years and I see all the faces that are no longer here on this Earth and it's for a few special ones that I wish I could be young again so I would still have them to touch and talk to. Some I know I'll see again, but there are a few others I'm sad to say who will not be where I'm going. For their sakes I wish that they had chosen Christ in this life so they wouldn't have to suffer like they are.
The one thing about getting older, that I wish was not a part of the process, is seeing how innocent life used to be compared to how the world really is today, and to realize more and more the evil days we are living in and to know that my child will be faced with greater temptations and hardship than I have to face. So I pray that she too will come to know Christ at a young age- so she too will be spared from the consequences of not knowing Him. I'm not a real political person (which is ironic since my husband's family is very involved politically), but I will say although I respect the authority God has given to this President, I wonder if it was for the reason of showing us how far we've drifted away from God.

Enough of my ramblings. I just want to finish out saying I'm glad that the Lord has allowed me to live this long, to experience this life as I know it. I'm even more thankful that He made a way for me to be with Him when this life is over.

Can I Get A Witness?!

Kinda catchy title huh? Well... today I had just come in from digging in the garden and Phoebe had just woken up from her first nap of the day. I sat her down on the floor for a moment and of course the siren goes off from her precious little mouth. Then at that moment I heard a knock on the door. I'm thinking "Great! CPS has come to take my child away." Sarcastic of course. So I scoop up my princess and as she stops screaming I answer the door to find two women with an invitation. They are dressed pretty conservatively and here I am in denim shorts and a workout shirt (I was workin' outside after all). I almost feel embarrassed until they start talking. The "bigger" lady said we want to invite you to a Rememberance Service and at that point I get really excited because she used the word rememberance. I actually almost forgot Easter is this Sunday. In my excitement I said "Cool- we have a remmeberance service EVERY Sunday!" I tell her that it's according to New Testament Scripture and with that she swoops out her bible (mine was not in my own hands because my daughter demands two hands now) and shows me Romans and I was like yeah- that's it! I told her that it really changes your outlook on life when you remember what Christ did EVERY week. She kinda looked at me weird. Her friend just smiled sweetly. So they once again told me that I was invited and that it was free of charge- and she repeated free of charge in a slightly uncomfortable tone. So I said I'd ask my husband about it- with that they gave me the flyer and turned to go and I said the Lord bless you! and smiled and waved a little wave. They told me to have a good day. It was only when I actually read the flyer that I realized- they were Jehovah's Witnesses!!!! Silly Libby. It all made sense- the going out by two, knocking on doors, inviting me to something, I never thought they had rememberance services. Oh yeah and they invited me to a bible study (it was a very quick and hard to hear invitation). Maybe they knew that I wasn't going to their bible study. They seemed so nice, but *sigh*. Sometimes I'm envious of their desire to "go out" and invite people to things and even share the "message" with others. It's unfortunately a very convincingly false message.

Which brings to mind the other night Larry answered the door and there were two men who wanted to talk about spiritual things. I think Larry ended up witnessing to them, but he told me he sensed they weren't open. When he talked about the book of Romans (something they brought up) one of them actually said he hadn't really read through the whole thing- just studied bits here and there. I think Larry was kinda shocked because they're out HERE asking us questions about the "truth" and they don't know it themselves. I think if that young man had read the entirety of Romans he might renounce being a Jehovah's Witness.

We've had interesting visits to our house by Jehovah's Witnesses and we've only lived here since November! We really gotta pray for them- Satan uses a tiny bit of truth in his very convincing lies and unfortunately they've bought into it. :-( Even more unfortunate- so have some so called "Christians".

On a positive note- going back to what I was saying about their fervor to get out there. I'm not saying it's the only way to do things- there's a lot of other ways to tlak to people about Jesus- but the courage they have to talk to complete strangers and it doesn't seem to me that they are petrified if someone asks a question back. Going back to Larry's experience- one of them hadn't even read through the book of Romans (and Romans is NOT a big book)- even with that supposed hindrance- they are STILL out here! We should know the truth because without the truth it's easy to fall into a lie. God has so graciously allowed His word to be written and since it's there to read- read it. And since He hasn't given you the spirit of timidity- share His love and truth with a friend, a neighbor, a classmate, a co-worker, even a a famiy member. :-)

In The Garden

Or more like the would be garden.

I dug through the garden alone
While the Texas sun was not buuurrrrning
And He briiiiiings to me
A sweet thought you seeeeeeee
Aboooouuut Himself and myyyy caaaaaalliiiiing

And He walks with me and He talks with me
And He teeells me I am His ooooooowwwn
And the joyyyy we shaaaare as we tarry theeerre
None other has everrr knooooown.

I'm digging and scraping the weeds off the weed mat- lemme tell you it is NO easy feat. You gotta put your back and legs and arms into the whole motion if you're going to get even one of those little rascally weeds. AND to make matters worse- there's a bunch of pebbles on top of it. Whoever decided that having a weed mat with a bunch of pebbles is out of their mind. BUT underneath all that mess is clean, fresh dirt just waiting to be tilled, planted, and one day a harvest of veggies will spring forth giving my family wonderful fresh garden veggies.

SO- wihle I'm "slaving" away (my choice to put myself through that punishment) the Lord graciously gives food for thought. Here are a few comparisons that He allowed to stroll through my mind because I could never come up with these on my own.

It says in Matthew that the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Have you ever worked the ground with bare hands? I wouldn't recommend it after my experience today. You come into contact with someone- say a neighbor. You know from personal experience the joy of coming to know the Lord Jesus and you say to yourself the Lord wants to do in my neighbor what He did in me- changed my life and gives me hope for eternity. But the trouble is that neighbor has a lot of overgrowth, they reject Jesus Christ either because of their background, prejudices towards other so called Christians, or they think it's intellectual suicide. So they see you live- think you're a "good" person, they want what you've got, then after many discussions of what Jesus did for them on Calvary and how He lives to intercede for us and how He wants to have a relationship with them... they ask Him to be their Savior. Sometimes it takes years of living for Christ and having those discussions and praying for that neighbor before they come to that decision- sometimes it takes a few days or weeks. Sometimes that neighbor seems to "get it" and then falls back. Sometimes it hurts and it wears on you. Sometimes you sak God why you even try. But then "bham!" it happens and they recieve His free gift of salvation- not by what you've done, but by what the Spirit has done through you. And even after they come to know the Lord there's still discipleship! The "work" is never done. You've got to be available to love on them, read with them, answer questions, and show them through your life the difference Christ makes. So you continue to pray for their growth and that they in turn will bring others to Christ- a harvest. So as I'm thinking of this the comparison quickly comes to my wannabe garden. It's taking a lot of work to even get the ground ready to be planted. And the steps are slow and painful (not so much for the ground as it is for my hands). My neighbor is not a believer in Jesus Christ- she thinks I'm a good person, but I'm only a sinner saved by grace. So I'm praying, living, and hopefully soon we'll be discussing Jesus. The tempered shovel I've been using to do EVERYTHING on that piece of land I would compare to the Holy Spirit because it's only through the Spirit leading that anything I do is worthwhile. Those weeds and pebbles are the things which keep her from knowing Christ and as the Spirit slowly sweeps those things away it will reveal the weed mat- the bottom line reason as to why she hasn't come to Christ. The Lord will rip away that weed mat and she'll accept Him as Lord and Savior to reveal a beautifully fresh new life ready to be planted in and in turn bring an abundance of spiritual fruit.

Maybe you could join me in praying for my neighbor- her name is Vanessa. It kinda surprised me yesterday as I was talking with my other neighbor Lisa and Vanessa drove up in her Accord. I said to Lisa- you must meet her! So they met and Vanessa said "My parents are in town from New Mexico- YOU MUST MEET THEM!" That was the part that surprised me! Her parents are very nice and after a small chat with Reuben and Patricia I had to check on my napping baby. Mind you I was only gone for 10 minutes. Vanessa walked me back to my yard and told me it gives her rest at night to have such good neighbors- good people- she kept saying good. I might've been blushing if I didn't know that it's Christ who makes us this way. I told her "It's the Lord". We went our seperate ways and I kept thinking how is the Lord going to use me to reach my neighbor. Vanessa is in her last trimester and is looking for baby things. The sonogram reveals that she is going to have a girl. I thought- we have all this girl stuff like a travel set and a boppy- why not let them borrow the items until the little one grows out of them. I've volunteered my time if she needs help getting things ready or even after the baby's here- maybe it'll be during that time we'll tlak about the reality of Jesus Christ. So pray for her and if you could pray for me- not that I'm shy or anything- sometimes I keep my mouth from being used of the Lord. Much to my shame. Thanks for reading. :-D May the Lord bless you richly.

Conference Weekend

I know the title doesn't sound too exciting, but boy the lack of excitement in the title is the polar opposite of the conference which so happened to be amazing. And the thing about it is there was only hymns, people praying, and people speaking. You are probably asking yourself well- what was so exciting about it if that's all there was? My response to you would be because that's all there was in the presence of the Lord. Where two or more are gathered in His name- there He will be. There was no clutter- no pumping up of your faith- no froofroo music- no fluff. The speakers didn't have an agenda- they had the Word which according to the verse I'm trying to memorize is quick and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword. One speaker spoke from the book of Hebrews and the other out of 1 Samuel. And just to prove how amazing the Lord is... these guys didn't get together and discuss what they were going to speak on, but the thoughts flowed so well together- they kept referencing what the other was speaking on. And if that isn't incredible enough- the last two conferences I participated in prepared me for this one and those were one and a half years ago and two years ago.

Both brothers compared those situations to the church's condition today which is a pretty sad condition. The messages out of 1 Samuel focused on Hannah, Eli, Samuel, and the people of Israel. Hannah- here is a woman who doesn't step out of her God-ordained place (not inferior) and He chooses to put her prayer in the second chapter! She doesn't pray out loud nor does she get frustrated at the priest who blatently tells her that she's drunk! She recognizes the God given authority of the priest even though he has failed in his role. We see the quiet and gentle spirit that God finds precious and beautiful in a woman and He blesses her. Sometimes our leadership fails at their role, but it doesn't mean that we have to step out of ours. The spiritual situation today in our churches is caused by men and women stepping outside their God-given (and it's a privilege to be given) roles. One is not any less important than the other and I fear that the feminist movement has taken the quiet and gentle spirit out of our women because they try so hard to be like a man in leading and in the end become something they were not meant to be or do (if you're curious to discuss this subject I would be happy to explain from the word why I've come to this conclusion).

Eli- here is a priest who is not faithful in his role. He chooses to lift up his sons instead of lifting up the Lord. The priest was the "go between" as far as communication goes with the people. God speaks to His priest and the priest speaks to the people. God had enough of Eli and stopped speaking to him- THAT is a very sad situation. The Lord instead begins to speak to Samuel- this child. Eli had seen the debauchery his sons were involved in- even to the point of making the people stumble! The Lord even said that it would be better for a millstone to be tied around your neck and be thrown into the sea than to make one of His little ones stumble! That is a grave statement (no pun intended). That is what the church does today! They leave behind the simplicity of the NT church and place all these expectations on you and so many Christians say forget going to church anymore- I'll just stay at home- it breaks the heart of our loving Lord! He paid such a heavy price and because of certain wolves in sheep's clothing, and even unknowing believers, some have gone astray.

Next would be Samuel- this consecrated child. His mother saw the situation in Israel and prayed that the Lord would use her son (she specifically prayed for a man-child). God uses the failed priest to bring up His appointed prophet- and it says that not a single word fell to the ground that came from Samuel's mouth. That means everything that Samuel said had purpose and came to pass. He was set apart- consecrated. In a time when men lived however they wanted to- Samuel chose to follow God and live differently and because he did the Lord used Samuel mightily. God brought about a change in the people of Israel because one boy listened and lived as though he blieved God when God spoke. That should be an admonishment and an exhortation to believers today.

Finallly the people of Israel- there's a lot ot say about them, but the crux of the message would be they got away from the Lord and worshipped things- even so far down as to believe the ark of the covenant could save them in battle. The ark is just a box that has no power to save. The building you go to has no power to save, the way you feel during a praise service has no power to save- you can feel so spectacularly great and still be so spectacularly LOST if you do not know personally the one to whom you are singing to. But fortunately for Israel they got to the point where they told Samuel to pray for them to God so that HE can save them. Wade through the feelings, the pomp, the music, the stuff... there you will see God in His amazing simplicity because the only way He said you can come to Him is through Jesus Christ His Son.

For space sake I will try to be brief on the second speaker's message: live like you believe when God speaks. Religion and faith have always been at odds. Religion is sight oriented and faith is not. Even Christ says that those who have not seen and believe are blessed. Religion is work oriented and sometimes you work so hard at being so religious, but religion will not save you. You say you believe in God, well even the demons believe in God and TREMBLE. You must KNOW God. Hebrews 11 and 12 were the main passages the speaker referenced.

Cain, he said, was like religion- trying to be reconciled with God by your own labor from a cursed earth. Abel, he said, would represent faith- recognizing the need to be reconciled to God by another.

Next was Enoch- God said judgement is coming and the reason Enoch was translated was because He believed what God said AND WALKED with Him. He walked differently because God spoke and Enoch believed when God spoke.

Finally for time sake the speaker stopped with Noah- we know what happened with Noah. Noah evangelized for over a hundred years with less than ten converts (his family). In today's church that would be considered pitiful results. Hardly any of us live to see 100 and only 8 converts?! But God says well done my good and faithful servant. Noah started to build more than a hundred years before ANY sign of the flood (judgement) and even though he was made fun of Noah remained faithful. He believed when God spoke and lived accordingly.

We are living in the times before the judgement. We see the signs everywhere and yet we live like God hasn't told us it's coming. It's coming and we need to live like these two men did. We need to live like people are going to die and go to hell because they don't know Jesus Christ. We need to live like Jesus is returning soon and after that the judgement. This world has not known the true wrath of a HOLY and JUST God. Mt. St. Helen has NOTHING to what is coming. But God has made a way through Jesus Christ to be saved. Most of you know John 3:16- memorized it as a child- live like what God said is true because it is. Believers- it's hard sometimes, but as Hebrews 12:1-3 puts it...

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aisde every weight, and the sin which doth also so easily beset us, and let us RUN with patience the race that is set before us. Looking unto JESUS the author and finisher of our faith; who for the JOY that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.

I see that weight and sin are two different things in verse 1. The bible says we are sojourners- strangers in this land- that our home is NOT here. The word "rapture" has the conatation of being ripped away from. We don't want to be ripped away from this world- we want to be taken. Oh that the Lord would not have to rip me away- that I would live as though Heaven is my home and I'm just visiting.

This Little Life

This little life, amazing and splendid in it's simplicity. Milestones within reach hardly seemed possible in yesterday's eyes. She cries, she laughs, she thinks, she feels, and a moment never slips away without taking some piece of her naivete with it. Carrying her never felt like a burden until I realized the future lies sleeping in my arms. Suddenly the world stops spinning and all I want is for her to stay cradled... peaceful... protected... innocent. But each morning is one step closer. Closer? Don't you mean further? Each step she takes draws her further away... from me. She stands on her own two feet. She dares to take that first step and then another and then another and before I realize what has happened, she is married and cradling her own child while thinking the same thoughts... this little life, amazing and splendid in it's simplicity.

So Here I Am Again, Lord

She's sick. I don't know why. The nurse said it might be because of the vaccine, but I don't know. You know- every little thing that goes on- You know. So here I am again Lord- afraid and the only One I can turn to is... You. Let it be nothing, let it be better, let it be... over. I am tired of the thoughts that race through my brain- slowly making me go insane. What if it turns into something more serious? What if she isn't the same afterwards? What if... what if... I get into so much more trouble by asking those two words. You are the I AM. The ALWAYS was, is and will be. So in my moment of fretting and thinking, worry and doubting- YOU ARE. Whatever happens You are the Mighty One, You are Prince of Peace, You are... God. So here I am again asking please let my baby be okay.

Waiting For A Concert... Hey It Was Free, Okay!

It was cold outside and there we were waitin' in the line which felt like a couple miles long. Just us two since the baby was havin' a blast at the chapel fun night. So there we were waitin' in the cold outside (a whoppin' 40 or 50- something: freezing the few of us who can't stand the weather to be less than 60 something) just the two of us. Jeremy Camp- here we come! or so we thought. There were hundreds if not a couple thousand people in front of us in line. So even though we really didn't talk that much while we waited- my mind was wandering. And so I wandered- thinkin' about how much fun it used to be to go to concerts. We had only been to two where we were actually at the same event and they had been a blast. We didn't have to wait this long in line because they hadn't been free. So it was kinda like being in college for an hour or so- the excitement of seeing a concert again. I put my hand in your pocket to keep it warm and I sang "You are my sunshine" a couple of times which I think either thoroughly amused you or thoroughly embarrassed you. I took a few pictures along the way so we could remember how dumb this was to wait all that time just to see one man sing, but you really wanted to see this guy sing because he's your favorite musical artist ever. We eventually left because they weren't letting anyone else in- anything free is bound to fill up fast- right? So we got in the car- you're sulking a little and talking about how Cornerstone Church should've done a better job at making this happen so thousands of people -like us- wouldn't have wasted their precious time standing in line and not gettin' to see what they waited for, but we're off to reality and a fun-filled time with other families and children. No more waitin'. :-D But even if we had to wait a little longer- there's no other person I'd rather wait with than you. :-D (on the upside- I got to see a Smart car up close and personal which made my time waitin' almost worth it)

Cherry Lesson

Around 2:15pm I was eating cherries that my mom in law gave to me last night. Phoebe started whining and eventually I let her suck on half of the one I was eating, that happened a few times and everything was fine. Then the last one I gave her decided to slip out of my finger tips as she was sucking on it. So down goes the cherry half. It comes to my attention that they're little esophagus isn't big enough to handle that so for just a mili-second I watch to see if she'll just spit it out- nope. I can see that she can't breathe so I swoop her up out of her highchair, put her over my knee, hold her tummy over my left arm, and with my right arm I smack her on the back, she starts crying weakly, but no cherry... so I smack her on the back again and this time I see the cherry on the floor. I pick her up and try to soothe a not crying baby which was weird because I thought she'd be totally freaked out. I was the freaker-outer. She was fine- just fine. Here I am a nervous wreck, but nothing to worry about. Point made- never give cherry halves to a child without teeth- tey'll suck it up and choke on it.

It's SOOOO Over

Around 9pm last night we went to bed- I was reeling with gut pain. It got so bad I even dreamed about it. Around 11pm is when the real trouble started. I got up to use the bathroom and as soon as I sat down my gut started crampin' and I got nauseated and felt like I was going to throw up... I called for Larry and he was there in a flash. I said "I'm not feeling well at all." and then my head started feeling weird and I got the same feeling I had right after Phoebe was born. I felt so weak, I could hardly pick up the cup that Larry gave me which was full of water. I felt dizzy and after a sip or two of water I thought I felt better, but alas- no. I was still dizzy and still nauseated and still VERY weak- I really thought I was going to fall off the toilet. So Larry ran to the kitchen and grabbed a slice of whole wheat bread and told me that this was it- no more cleanse. I was glad that I had the meager amount of strength to lift that bite up to my mouth because after that slice was consumed I felt like "me" again. The nausea and dizziness went away and soon my strength was coming back which was good because if it didn't I would've been on the toilet for the rest of the night or on the floor. So... that's why it's over. The good news to report is that I fit in my size 4 high-waisted khaki pants from the GAP (which are always big) that were a little snug around the waist. But I am still a 6 in normal pants which is okay- it's better than being in the hospital or the bathroom floor taking a long nap. My stomach shrank and I could only drink a glass of water and eat one of the pancakes I made for Larry and I this morning. I feel like I've failed at something that seemed so simple to do- so straight forward that it couldn't be so hard to do it. But I must say it's good to eat again. :-) The best thing about this is that my Larry is very supportive of having a wifey that's back to normal. And so am I. :-D

End of Day 2- UGH!

Today was sooo hard! I wasn't feeling good already and at the end of the day when Larry got home I was so weak and discouraged- I want food soooo very badly. But I must stay strong. I figured it out that I just have a serious need to chew. So I fixed that! I got like 6 different flavors of gum. It helped sooo much after I drank the nasty laxative tea- I didn't feel nauseated afterwards like I did yesterday. :-) I can't wait to get sleepy so I can sleep- you burn less energy and you wake up feeling less hungry than right before you go down. I'm physically tired, but mentally I'm like wide awake. *sigh* I hope tomorrow's better. Phoebe was very kind to me today. She only bonked herself 4 times and screamed 5. It's hard doing this and constantly being mentally on guard. We both survived today and since Larry will be home tomorrow I'm gonna ask him if he'll just make his own food. Do you know how cruel and unusual it is to make someone cook food and not eat it?! It's like showing raw flesh to a tiger! Ugh- I'm craving doritos right now because that was a part of Larry's dinner. I hope after all this is over I wo'nt crave doritos. I watched three movies today. One was Amelie- HORRIBLE! Russian Ark- WEIRD! Dreamgirls- that one was decent. (these are only my personal opinions- if you like the movies good for you) It helped pass the time so that's the only reason I didn't turn them off when I really wanted to. I'm feeling so desperate to find things to get me through the next day, but as long as I get through these next 8 days- I'll be happy. Pray that I don't go crazy and that the Lord gives me grace to just get through this- and pray that this whole thing works for me because if it doesn't I will be sooooo sad.

Beginning Day 2

Arrggh- want food very bad. But I'm not feeling sick like I was yesterday. I'm getting crabby and I snapped at Larry last night (very sad about that). He forgave me and we're good now. :-) I figured it out. If I don't spend excess energy on walking and stuff I'll feel better. If I watch movies all day- the time goes by and I don't pay attention to how hungry I am. I am tired. The little acidophilus wafers (take 3 a day like te bottle says)- help my chewing urge. Oh yeah and the tums (which I took when I was pregnant- don't worry I bought a new bottle) help too. I also found out my day starts better if I do the salt water instead of the laxative tea in the morning. I need to read. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm hungry... BUT I'm excited about what is going on in my body- the craving for chicken hasn't gone away, but the craving for pasta has. I still want bread really bad, but not candy. I think I can do this... I'm feeling more confident about my success in this. :-)

CLEANSE Day 1

I can't eat anything for 10 days. The reason: I'm cleansing my body. For a while I've had bloating, gas pain that could make you reel, and just not a happy system. So I found a way that will help with these things plus help me lose a little in the middle as well as not crave fast food (a miracle if this actually works). SO here goes. And for you who are wondering... I am not nursing anymore- haven't been for almost a month so believe me Phoebe will not be affected by anything other than mommy's minor crankiness.

Day 1 Morning- I'm feeling excited about having a happy system. I'm not doing it so much for the weight loss as I am for the other perks- not having to cluch my abdomen in pain after I eat lentils for example. I'd like to have more energy (which is also a major perk). I'm drinking laxative tea for breakfast (or the other option is 32oz of salt water), 6 glasses of cayanne lemon water/juice, and another laxative tea at night before I go to bed. Sounds easy until you put the "you can't eat for 10 days" in there. Now I'm also doing this to see if it indeed does work- if it does that's awesome. If it doesn't- I didn't spend more than 20 dollars for what I needed and when you're basically starving your system out and flushing it you're bound to lose a little weight. The tea doesn't taste good, but what medicinal natural stuff does? I'm thinking to myself it's only 9 more days until this is ALL OVER. Probably not the best thing to think, but whatever gets you through I suppose. I also think what am I gonna do all day when food is so near and dear to me? What am I gonna think when I have to cook Larry's dinner and Phoebe's lunch? Am I gonna make it? AND THIS IS ONLY THE FIRST DAY! So... if y'all could pray that I don't fail that'd be great. Man- after this tea I'm feeling like I NEED to drink at least 6 glasses of water to just get the nasty taste out of my mouth! :-P But I remain hopeful in a little part of me that I will feel great after this is complete. So yay for my cleanse. :-) P.S.- Phoebe is a happy baby and being very kind to me (we'll see how long this lasts).

Why I Write About My SKIA AKA Mi Esposo

You could call it the Newlywed Syndrome, but I think we're passed that stage. I am simply in awe when I look back to the moment we met through the past four and a half years. We've been married for a year and seven months. Funny- that's how long we had been courting before he proposed. So here's our story- for those who have not heard it a million times before.

It was the day before I turned 20 and I was joining my BSM crew for the leadership retreat. I had heard there was this new guy from San Antonio College and his name was Larry. Immediately I had a picture of this fat, short dude in my mind and BOY was I WRONG! I saw this tall, dark haired guy who was nowhere near fat- very athletic actually. So I asked my friend Andy to introduce me. I figured that this was the Larry, but wasn't sure because of my preconcieved notions. So Andy intro's me and yep- that's Larry. The first thing I noticed about him was that he was a man of integrity (and he hadn't even opened his mouth yet!) The close second thing I noticed was WOWZAH!- He's cute! After the retreat I told myself that I had to get to know this guy better. So long story a little less long- we end up getting to know eachother because I had to wake him up every Monday morning at 5 so he wouldn't be late to the meetings (and yeah- I volunteered to do that). He had no clue that I had feelings for him and I didn't either until one night. It was the Saturday after my parents moved to North Carolina- the BSM had gone to the Chris Tomlin concert and that night I asked God to either do something with these feelings or take them away. So over the next few months I was distracted by another guy (no need to mention his name) and around February I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work out between me and this guy- good thing. The BSM was planning to go to Mexico for Spring Break to do VBS and stuff and guess who was going too? Yep- Larry. A friend of mine was into Larry too and making THAT story a bit shorter- the result of that was Larry coming to me asking if there was something he had done to make her think that he was into her. I said well... no (and I didn't say that because I liked him) . And I thought that maybe he was thinking why would anyone be into him and I felt stupid because I was soooooo into him. So silly me- I opened my BIG mouth and said, "Well I had a huge crush on you... LAST semester." yeah I wasn't foolin' anyone. The Lord knew what He was doin'. So while in Mexico it hapenned that wherever he was I was and vice-versa- not on purpose though I promise- again the Lord knew what He was doing. So we had to write letters to everyone who went and his said to me "we'll talk when we get back to San Antonio." I was like what? So Longer story shorter... the Sunday after we get back we begin our exclusive relaitonship. He had never been in a relationship before and me- well I had a few under my belt and not so good. I was at the point where dating was not the way to go- I was in it to win it and apparently so was Larry. I left for two and a half months as a summer missionary to Oregon which was rough, and I missed Larry a LOT, but it strengthened our relationship. We didn't kiss eachother for the first time until 11 months into the relationship- which most people would've called us crazy. After a lot of waiting he asked my parents in March of 2006 if he could have me forever and after more waiting- He proposed on October 23rd, 2006 and we were married on June 9th, 2007. We found out we were having a baby on September 26th, and we welcomed our daughter on May 15th- four years and 3 days after we met. Whew!

So the reason I talk about him so much and look back on our journey is because it reminds me constantly of what we have. Sure it may get tough smetimes and we get frustrated, but we're in it to win it- we are partners, lovers, BEST friends, and a crazy couple FOR LIFE! Someone told me that you've gotta remember where you came from to know where you're going and here we are. I remember telling Larry that he was my best guy friend in the whole world and he still is. I am married to my best friend- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! That's the way it's supposed to be right? :-D I knew that I wanted him in my life until the day I die and now I will (unless of course he dies first, but I hope Jesus come back before then.) So long story done- I am so glad that God gave me Larry to marry. :-D There's no other man more suited for the role of Husband. AND no other man who could be a better daddy to our little blessing! I LOVE YOU HONEY!