He's Here (and How)

It's 11:50pm on Monday the 22nd of February and even as exhausted as I am, I can't quite bring myself to sleep. Today has been such a crazy day and one that I will not soon forget (well maybe temporarily from sleep deprivation). As my husband snoozes and my new little one quietly lies in his plastic bassinet, here I am pondering the miracle and gravity of this day.
As funny as it may seem, I didn't think it would be today. As much as I expected it, anticipated it, and desperately longed for it, I couldn't believe it was happening. I woke up at 1:50am after a night watching the Olympics and dozing off on the couch. Larry and I were expecting to visit the doctor's office that morning at 9:15 to discuss induction and other options. Apparently Stephen didn't like that idea. I visited the bathroom before heading to my bed where Larry was already asleep. I slowly laid down looking forward to an uninterrupted night ahead when to my sheer surprise... tada! I felt like I had peed myself, but it not. Only a woman could understand that feeling. I immediately bolted up and waddling to the door I told Larry, "I think my water just broke." He got up and asked if he should call Christy. Silly me said, "No, I'm going to call the doctor. Can you get my phone?" So I call the doctor and she said, "Go to the hospital." I thought to myself, "Well I was planning on taking a shower, but okay nevermind." No contractions, nothing to get my attention except for the fact that my "water" was tinged with blood (totally normal) and my plug apparently hadn't dislodged itself until then (eww- gross).
We finish packing things and Christy arrived at the house to make sure Phoebe was attended to when she eventually would wake up without Mommy or Daddy there. I had a mixture of feelings running through me. Fear of the pain, anxious to meet our little man, sad that I had to leave Phoebe, happy that this was finally it... I was a melting pot of emotion.
We arrive at the hospital around 2:40, walk into the ER, tell them my water ruptured, and after finishing some paperwork, they wisk me away to labor and delivery. I got to ride in a wheelchair! :-) Larry eventually met me back in the room after the nurses completed some questionnaire about abuse and emotional distress at home along with the poking of needles and so forth. The nurses also mentioned that the amniotic fluid was tinged with meconium staining (Stephen had pooped already) and a specialist would be present at the birth to make sure all was well. I said, "Great." At this point I was excited to see everything unfold and in a cheery mood. They asked me what my pain level was and I said a 3- in the middle of a contraction. They checked my progress and I was at 3cm, 70% effaced, and Stephen was STILL at a -2. He had never dropped. Although my belly would tell a different story, Stephen was not engaged in my pelvis... wonderful. They strap me to the monitors and confine me to a bed. So many memories filled my mind and that fearfulness crept back in. Wasn't this what I had experienced with Phoebe? I was induced, had an epidural, tore, had spinal headaches for a week and a half and barely felt like a mother at all those first two or three weeks. Was this my fate with each child I would bring into this world? The nurse then turned to me and said that my contractions were irregular and that they might have to administer Pitocin... after waiting and watching to see what my body would do. Pitcon?! Oh nooooo! Not again! As much as I wanted a natural birth I was not beyond taking drugs... but would I have those headaches again? That was always in the back of my mind... those headaches that robbed me of enjoying those first weeks of my daughter's life. I remembered how awful those contractions had been and I confessed to Larry that I didn't think I could do it if they gave me Pitocin.
To pass the time in between the waiting I called up my mom, my sister, and texted many others. I told my mom that I was scared of what was about to happen. How could I handle all that again? I wanted to experience pushing, but the pain... I didn't want the pain. Eventually a new nurse started her shift and thank God He brought this beacon of encouragement. Her name is Joyce- and a sweet lady. She has three boys and was excited that I too was going to have a son. I can't explain what she brought into the room, but whatever it was helped me get through when Larry was out to get breakfast. She checked me a couple of times and thankfully the contractions I was having were doing something. I reached a 4 and 75% effacement, but the contractions were not strong enough to bring Stephen down. She called Dr. Cajas to let him know what was going on and he made the decision to start me at 1mm of pitocin. My fears were realized when those contractions started coming harder and longer, but they continued to be irregular. Larry, the Lord knew what kind of man I needed in a husband and a birth partner, read to me from Colossians and over and over he would read something about the strength of the Lord and laboring. I could not have heard more perfect words. I would go as far as I could go, but the Lord would take me and my little son through it all.
Dr. Cajas decided it was a good time to visit me to see how I was laboring. He decided we needed to regulate my contractions so they upped the dosage. It was at this point he checked my progress... 5cm, 75% effaced and Stephen still sitting at a -2. Thank the Lord- the cord had not become prolapsed. My little guy was safe and doing extremely well. :-) After a few hard and long contractions I broke. I looked at Larry and said, "I can't do it. The pain is too much. I've failed." Such an amazing husband- he told me I'm not a failure and we need to do what is best for me and Stephen. At this point I was exhausted- my relaxation techniques could only do so much to help me cope with the excrutiating pain. I asked to be given the epidural, knowing full well what the consequences were. I told Larry, "I don't want those headaches again." with tears in my eyes and then he prayed that the Lord would be merciful to me and spare me the agony. Oh to go to the Lord in prayer and leave your burden at His feet. I know so many others were praying for us and that Stephen would arrive safely... the Lord is gracious.
Another miracle was that they allowed Larry to stay in the room with me while I was poked with the epidural. With Phoebe's birth- they forced him to leave the room, the most traumatizing experience of my life! I was so thankful that I could have my partner right in front of me when that needle went in. Soon I was numb from the waist down and able to relax. My body apparently was relaxed as well and allowed the contractions to become regular and do their work. Right before the epidural I was measuring 7cm 75% effaced and Stephen had dropped to a -1 (still not engaged, but descended). I could smile again! About this time Larry was getting hungry and I suggested that he go to mcDonald's to get some lunch while I waited there for my body to be ready to push. He agreed and left a few minutes later. Little did I know my body was on full blast forward and maybe 5-10 minutes later I called him and said, "You should come back, they say I'm ready to push." He barely made it in time to witness our little miracle entering the world. He held up one of my legs as I bore down in the contraction. He would later say, "I squeezed so tight- praying you wouldn't rip again." I told him, "Well I couldn't feel it anyway." After two contractions our little Stephen was born. I was amazed that he was here. That last push was the Lord- my physical strength was completely drained. After they cleaned Stephen up and placed him on my chest, I could finally rest. I was filled with joy, happiness, love, and wonder. That little guy who I felt was a complete stranger, the little guy who I wondered if I could love like I love Phoebe, the little guy who's little head had such a hard time coming down, was here and I loved him. Every mom told me, "Don't worry about not loving them, it will come when they do." and so it did. My son, my man-child, the miracle... was in my arms and right next to my beating heart. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. Thank you all for your prayers and support. Only the Lord knows how much it means to us to have each of you in this journey with us. :-)

A Mother's Heart

Dear Phoebe,

You are so precious to Mommy. I remember when I was 36 weeks pregnant with you- awaiting your arrival with great anticipation and so excited that we were gonna be blessed with you within the next few weeks. You were such a surprise to us when you arrived a week and a couple of days later! I was overjoyed and scared, overwhelmed and filled with wonder, sad and oh so blissfully happy. The love I felt for you was simply indescribable- I never though I could love like that. Here we are almost 21 months later. Mommy is 36 weeks pregnant with your baby brother Stephen. As hard as I have tried to help you understand what's going on, I don't think you can fathom what is about to happen. Mommy is not as excited, nor is Mommy as scared, as I was with you. I think it's because I've been through this before and know what to expect (kind of). I have to remind myself that you probably won't remember the year and a half that we've had together- just the two of us. You and me at home all day long- reading, playing, singing, dancing, and watching the occasional tv. All those "firsts" that only Mommy saw and will hold in her heart. Your first steps, your first smile, and even your first tantrum (you were so cute). These moments are the ones that Mommy holds dearest because they are the ones that only she can carry with her. When you have a little one of your own you will understand.
So many things are about to change for us, my Daughter. When baby brother is on the outside of Mommy we won't spend as much time together playing or dancing, but I want you to know that Mommy will still love you as much as I do now. You will not be any less special nor will you be any less loved than you are right now. You are my firstborn- my crash course in parenthood- my beautiful girl, the sweet little princess that I always knew in my heart I would be blessed with one day. You are such a helper and already I see that you love baby brother. I'm not worried that you will be resentful of the new baby. :-)
Oh Phoebe, if you could understand how much things will change and how much I want to protect your heart from feeling lonely or cast aside. I wish I could explain what's about to happen. I suppose there is a bright spot in your lack of memory... you won't remember how much things changed. You will never remember what it was like to be the center of attention constantly from Mommy. You will probably only remember life as it will be when brother Stephen is here. And only Mommy will be left to hold all these months and memories in her heart- what a privilege! :-)
I love you Phoebe! Only the Lord knows what will happen in the next few weeks, but I'm thankful that I still have a little time left to gather up more cherished moments with you. :-)

From an overflowing heart,
Your Mommy