Now that I've settled into the crazy newborn stage, I've been thinking of two very huge aspects of this part of child-rearing. Two things that I have felt very inadequate in, but so far have been wonderful experiences. For those of you who don't know, I've been using cloth diapers from moment one on my sweet little Abby. She has a stash of 4 AIO's (all in ones) in pink, 8 GMD fitteds in newborn, and 24 small unbleached birdseye flats (also from GMD). Of course the stash is complete with four wraps and one snappi. I've actually ordered two more from Amazon.com and they should be arriving in the next week (I lost two of the ones I ordered a couple months ago). My findings on cloth diapering my Abby... it's easiest to use the newborn fitteds out and about with a wrap (like when we went to church on Sunday). Abby is a serious wet machine so the AIO's don't hold up for her. They leak like crazy. I usually use these at night when she's up every hour or so. During the day I use the wonderfully glorious FLATS! They are super absorbent and she's only leaked out of them a few times (usually if she's taken a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day). I never realized how wonderful flats could be and how incredibly easy they are to use! Maybe it's just me, but I feel uber earth-friendly and money smart each time I change her diaper. It's a little perk of cloth-ing. I feel like I could give a class on flats, but I know the folding is still a work in progress. Pride wells up in this novice as I think to myself, "I've yet to put a disposable on my baby's undefiled skin."
The other major part of newborn reality for me is breastfeeding. After a 36 hour bout with engorgement, realizing that nipple shields are a bad thing for let-down, and finally getting the hang of this whole latch thing... I must say we are doing really well. Actually, I am doing SSOOOOOOOO much better than with my other two. I actually enjoy the moments when I have an excuse to just sit back and relax. But there are alot of things that I have learned from this short time of nursing Abby...
1) Weight will come off with time and actively trying to lose weight while nursing is counterproductive in the long term. (I've lost 20 lbs of the total 45 lbs I gained in pregnancy and it'll probably be at least 6 more months before the rest comes off... AND I'm totally okay with that).
2) My goal of 3000 calories per day is something I will struggle with immensely. If I don't have enough calories from food, my body will get it from my muscle tissue and well... bad things can happen (like my metabolism being shot after I finish this journey). You try doing that with two very active kiddos and a baby and trying to keep a decent house all while trying to keep your sanity intact. Can anyone say- Itzbeen to remind me that I need to eat?
3) Each time Abby is at the breast- it's like I'm going for a jog... suh-weet!
4) Pumping is a no-go for the first 6-8 weeks. This applies to me because I stay at home and don't need to build up a stash of milk for when I return to work. Pumping for me will inhibit the nursing pattern that will be necessary for later success (say 6-8 months from now).
5) Latch IS important. Not only is Abby able to extract more milk, I won't be sore later. Yay!
6) High protein high calorie food is a MUST. Low calories make for skim milk. Babies don't bulk up on skim milk. I like protein. :-) Abby is already gaining weight- yay! :-D
I feel more ready for this aspect of my relationship with Abby. I'm not freaking out about every single drop or how much she needs to gain. I have educated myself as much as I can on the subject and I've asked (and will probably ask many more in the future) lots of good questions. I have a good support system in place and I'm better prepared for the inevitable bumps in the road.
So I'm sitting here eating, pears with cottage cheese, whole wheat bread slices with pralinutta, and my extra large olives are next... oh and I can't forget my trusty water bottle. :-) I'll probably need to make a good grocery list for later. Yum. :-) I <3 grocery shopping! :-D
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
A Week Already?!
A week ago I was watching a movie with the hubby before hittin' the hay. I woke up a few hours later in full blown transition. So... lots has happened in a week. My list of "happened" goes like this:
-Abby is born.
-We begin the journey of breastfeeding.
-Milk comes in end of day 2.
-Severe engorgement. Tylenol, Motrin, and ice packs make the process a little less unbearable. (and I thought labor was tough! At least THAT wasn't prolonged pain!)
-Engorgement eases almost 36 hours later.
-The worrying begins when the number of poops and pees doesn't meet the "normal" (and we're still worrying)
-Find out that the nipple shield that helps me nurse is preventing "let down" and the shield is banned. Let the REAL pain begin.
-Breastfeeding au natural is established.
-The fullness starts decreasing (thank the Lord!)
-Abby goes for a 3 hour stretch at night... twice.
-Co-sleeping is actually a good thing for us- she sleeps longer than half an hour that way. (and so do I!)
-My body still looks pregnant. Oh yeah, I kinda forgot about that whole "tire" look around the middle.
-Phoebe and Stephen absolutely love Abby. There are perks to having them so close. :-)
-I'm becoming the human pacifier (sometimes every 15 minutes for an hour or so- especially in the evenings)
-I'm trying to rest when she does, but alas... it seems impossible after the kiddos are awake.
-My mother-in-law has been staying with us since Sunday night. All I can say is, "How in the world did I do without her with my first two?"
-Stephen had vomiting and the runs for a couple days. He finally solidified and he's now a happy Bubba.
-Our power went out last night. Our first car trip to Target was not so great, but the A/C inside made up for the not so happy Abby. We got home to no power, but CPS got their tail in gear and in less than an hour after that we had power back on. Whew! I have no idea how people do without A/C in the summer- I was about to pass out.
-Abby has yet to poop yellow... praying that this occurs sometime tomorrow (tonight would be great).
-Abby had her first bath and now I have a nice and clean little baby.
-My sanity is still intact. :-)
Didn't realize how much can go on in the week after a baby is born. My body is still aching, but after 10 months of growing and stretching... I suppose it'd be unreasonable to expect everything to go back to "normal" after a few days. We're doing well. It's crazy, but worth it. Sometimes I want to fast forward to being normal again, but then again that pause button seems just as tempting. :-)
-I've yet to use a disposable diaper on her. So nice. :-)
-Abby is born.
-We begin the journey of breastfeeding.
-Milk comes in end of day 2.
-Severe engorgement. Tylenol, Motrin, and ice packs make the process a little less unbearable. (and I thought labor was tough! At least THAT wasn't prolonged pain!)
-Engorgement eases almost 36 hours later.
-The worrying begins when the number of poops and pees doesn't meet the "normal" (and we're still worrying)
-Find out that the nipple shield that helps me nurse is preventing "let down" and the shield is banned. Let the REAL pain begin.
-Breastfeeding au natural is established.
-The fullness starts decreasing (thank the Lord!)
-Abby goes for a 3 hour stretch at night... twice.
-Co-sleeping is actually a good thing for us- she sleeps longer than half an hour that way. (and so do I!)
-My body still looks pregnant. Oh yeah, I kinda forgot about that whole "tire" look around the middle.
-Phoebe and Stephen absolutely love Abby. There are perks to having them so close. :-)
-I'm becoming the human pacifier (sometimes every 15 minutes for an hour or so- especially in the evenings)
-I'm trying to rest when she does, but alas... it seems impossible after the kiddos are awake.
-My mother-in-law has been staying with us since Sunday night. All I can say is, "How in the world did I do without her with my first two?"
-Stephen had vomiting and the runs for a couple days. He finally solidified and he's now a happy Bubba.
-Our power went out last night. Our first car trip to Target was not so great, but the A/C inside made up for the not so happy Abby. We got home to no power, but CPS got their tail in gear and in less than an hour after that we had power back on. Whew! I have no idea how people do without A/C in the summer- I was about to pass out.
-Abby has yet to poop yellow... praying that this occurs sometime tomorrow (tonight would be great).
-Abby had her first bath and now I have a nice and clean little baby.
-My sanity is still intact. :-)
Didn't realize how much can go on in the week after a baby is born. My body is still aching, but after 10 months of growing and stretching... I suppose it'd be unreasonable to expect everything to go back to "normal" after a few days. We're doing well. It's crazy, but worth it. Sometimes I want to fast forward to being normal again, but then again that pause button seems just as tempting. :-)
-I've yet to use a disposable diaper on her. So nice. :-)
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Abigail Olivia Kreusel
I'm still reeling from the events that took place over the past 36 hours so please bear with me...
My last post was written on the eve of my due date around 11pm. That following morning my water broke at 3:13am. I turned to Larry, poked him a few times, and said almost in a whisper, "My water broke." I can't quite remember the facial expression that followed because I was up and rushing to the bathroom. I barely made it over the toilet when this rush of fluid drenched my undies. Yikes and yikes again! I called my midwife who said, "Get some rest. We may have a while before birth." I thought to myself, "Haha- yeah right. My labor started within two hours with my son." For those of you who don't know- all my labors were preceded by my water breaking which is rare. Approximately 17% of women's water breaks before labor starts. This has happened to me with ALL of my babies. Fun fun fun. So I was expecting labor to start that morning and that we'd have a baby by the end of the day. Boy was I wrong...
Contractions started and stopped, started and stopped, started and stopped. The kiddos were picked up by Larry's parents and we were off to walk at Target to try and start labor. After Target, we ate lunch, and took a nap. Contractions started and stopped. At 5pm we were at the San Antonio Birth Center discussing risks, paper work, and possibilities. At that point we were 15 hours post rupture and it was also at this time I started to recall my first labor and delivery where, 26 hours post rupture, we went to the hospital and Phoebe was born health (Praise God!). Fear crept into my thoughts and I'm pretty sure there was a correlation between stalled labor and my fear. My midwife (who was also one of my midwives with Phoebe) reminded me that each labor is different. With Phoebe, we didn't know the GBS results, she was 37 weeks, and I was hardly dilated. With Abby, we were GBS negative which meant we could stay outside of a hospital for an extended period of time as long as the baby and I were doing well., her head was engaged, I was dilated to a 4, and had reached my due date. Two very different circumstances, but similar in some ways. I needed to focus on the differences instead of expecting the same results. We checked Abby and she was doing wonderfully. I was hydrated and ready for dinner and with some rest I would be ready for labor.
We left around 6pm and rented a movie- something to keep my mind off things until they turned serious. Once again- we reached our house where the contractions started and stopped. We fell asleep at 11pm and at 3 Larry woke me up to take my temperature and so I could do my hibiclens rinse (I was instructed to do this every six hours since we were more than 18 hours post rupture. We fell back asleep right afterwards because all I could think of was "I want to sleep."
My midwife would later compare what happened next to large amounts of water being released from a dam. I woke up at 3:30am in the middle of a contraction and on top of that I felt a HUGE "kick" that resonated downwards. I got up and went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and couldn't stay seated. I stood up, wrapped my arms around Larry's neck and hung there in a squatting position. That was the only thing that could "help". Actually nothing could lessen the pain, but this was the most comfortable position in which to withstand the pain. I had pitocin induced contractions with my other two. These contractions were WORSE than those. They didn't feel anything like natural contractions! The pain caused me to moan and with tears streaming down my face I literally thought I was going to die. Larry and I got into the shower and the water helped, but didn't do enough to make me believe I could survive this onslaught. Larry got out, called my midwife and explained that my contractions were coming 2-3 minutes apart (I only had 4 contractions since I woke up). I was leaning against the wall, squatting, moaning, and begging God to help me. The midwife instructed Larry to start filling the birth tub and my hot water went caput. I was shivering and writhing in pain. Larry put his robe on me and I proceeded to sit on the toilet. 1-2 contractions and I exclaimed, "I need to poop!" Larry immediately called the midwife and explained that he was sure Abby would be here before she was. My midwife instructed him to get me to the bed ASAP. I'm screaming at this point- the pain seemed unbearable. He got me off the toilet, off all fours, and somehow managed to drag me to the mattress in our living room. The pain induced by the contractions were replaced by this burning sensation- I can't explain how awful it was. In the back of my mind I was sure I was going to rip to shreds. I put my hand to feel what was going on an sure enough- Abby's head was ready to come out. Larry put the phone next to my head on the bed so that I could hear my midwife calmly saying, "Breathe Libby. Breathe your baby out." This wasn't the "Count to 10" pushing. This was "my body is forcing me to push" pushing. When the urge left, I breathed deeply and desperately tried to keep from crying. Larry was waiting to catch Abby as I was waiting for the next urge. Her head popped out (after what seemed an eternity) after three urges and her body followed with that last urge. I had never felt such relief AND sensitivity before in my LIFE! Abby was born at 4:22am... approximately 10-12 contractions and less than an hour later. My midwives arrived a few minutes afterwards.
My midwife explained that my labor was so hard because it was so short and if I had a longer labor it would've been much more manageable. She also said that I probably shouldn't have a home birth again. I was and still am completely in awe of what happened. Abby was born healthy and wonderfully pink. It amazes me that she weighed in at 8lbs 7oz- the biggest of all my babies. I survived her birth (obviously) and I remained intact. No stitches, no damage except for a "rug burn" from Abby's passage out which will probably heal within 48 hours. A sheer miracle all things considered. I was even able to urinate 3 times before the midwives left. I have never felt so good after birth. No numbness, no monitors, no worrying, and no letting Abby out of my sight. Although the MOST excrutiatingly painful experience of my entire life, it was also the best labor and delivery. I could eat and drink whatever and whenever I felt the need arise. I wasn't strapped to a bed, I could shower, I was able to live in the moment (even though I truly thought I was going to die), and Abby's birth was attended by only myself and my husband. He did great- I couldn't have asked for a better birth coach, partner, and "catcher". :-)
What did I learn from this? Well, I'll have to save that for another blog entry. All I can say is that God once again has been merciful, faithful, and powerful. I am so thankful for all my friends and family who were praying us through our last leg of this journey. It's time for me to get some rest now and bask in the cuteness and cuddles from my sweet little baby girl who happens to be worth all the waiting and pain. Welcome to our world Abigail Olivia Kreusel! :-)
My last post was written on the eve of my due date around 11pm. That following morning my water broke at 3:13am. I turned to Larry, poked him a few times, and said almost in a whisper, "My water broke." I can't quite remember the facial expression that followed because I was up and rushing to the bathroom. I barely made it over the toilet when this rush of fluid drenched my undies. Yikes and yikes again! I called my midwife who said, "Get some rest. We may have a while before birth." I thought to myself, "Haha- yeah right. My labor started within two hours with my son." For those of you who don't know- all my labors were preceded by my water breaking which is rare. Approximately 17% of women's water breaks before labor starts. This has happened to me with ALL of my babies. Fun fun fun. So I was expecting labor to start that morning and that we'd have a baby by the end of the day. Boy was I wrong...
Contractions started and stopped, started and stopped, started and stopped. The kiddos were picked up by Larry's parents and we were off to walk at Target to try and start labor. After Target, we ate lunch, and took a nap. Contractions started and stopped. At 5pm we were at the San Antonio Birth Center discussing risks, paper work, and possibilities. At that point we were 15 hours post rupture and it was also at this time I started to recall my first labor and delivery where, 26 hours post rupture, we went to the hospital and Phoebe was born health (Praise God!). Fear crept into my thoughts and I'm pretty sure there was a correlation between stalled labor and my fear. My midwife (who was also one of my midwives with Phoebe) reminded me that each labor is different. With Phoebe, we didn't know the GBS results, she was 37 weeks, and I was hardly dilated. With Abby, we were GBS negative which meant we could stay outside of a hospital for an extended period of time as long as the baby and I were doing well., her head was engaged, I was dilated to a 4, and had reached my due date. Two very different circumstances, but similar in some ways. I needed to focus on the differences instead of expecting the same results. We checked Abby and she was doing wonderfully. I was hydrated and ready for dinner and with some rest I would be ready for labor.
We left around 6pm and rented a movie- something to keep my mind off things until they turned serious. Once again- we reached our house where the contractions started and stopped. We fell asleep at 11pm and at 3 Larry woke me up to take my temperature and so I could do my hibiclens rinse (I was instructed to do this every six hours since we were more than 18 hours post rupture. We fell back asleep right afterwards because all I could think of was "I want to sleep."
My midwife would later compare what happened next to large amounts of water being released from a dam. I woke up at 3:30am in the middle of a contraction and on top of that I felt a HUGE "kick" that resonated downwards. I got up and went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and couldn't stay seated. I stood up, wrapped my arms around Larry's neck and hung there in a squatting position. That was the only thing that could "help". Actually nothing could lessen the pain, but this was the most comfortable position in which to withstand the pain. I had pitocin induced contractions with my other two. These contractions were WORSE than those. They didn't feel anything like natural contractions! The pain caused me to moan and with tears streaming down my face I literally thought I was going to die. Larry and I got into the shower and the water helped, but didn't do enough to make me believe I could survive this onslaught. Larry got out, called my midwife and explained that my contractions were coming 2-3 minutes apart (I only had 4 contractions since I woke up). I was leaning against the wall, squatting, moaning, and begging God to help me. The midwife instructed Larry to start filling the birth tub and my hot water went caput. I was shivering and writhing in pain. Larry put his robe on me and I proceeded to sit on the toilet. 1-2 contractions and I exclaimed, "I need to poop!" Larry immediately called the midwife and explained that he was sure Abby would be here before she was. My midwife instructed him to get me to the bed ASAP. I'm screaming at this point- the pain seemed unbearable. He got me off the toilet, off all fours, and somehow managed to drag me to the mattress in our living room. The pain induced by the contractions were replaced by this burning sensation- I can't explain how awful it was. In the back of my mind I was sure I was going to rip to shreds. I put my hand to feel what was going on an sure enough- Abby's head was ready to come out. Larry put the phone next to my head on the bed so that I could hear my midwife calmly saying, "Breathe Libby. Breathe your baby out." This wasn't the "Count to 10" pushing. This was "my body is forcing me to push" pushing. When the urge left, I breathed deeply and desperately tried to keep from crying. Larry was waiting to catch Abby as I was waiting for the next urge. Her head popped out (after what seemed an eternity) after three urges and her body followed with that last urge. I had never felt such relief AND sensitivity before in my LIFE! Abby was born at 4:22am... approximately 10-12 contractions and less than an hour later. My midwives arrived a few minutes afterwards.
My midwife explained that my labor was so hard because it was so short and if I had a longer labor it would've been much more manageable. She also said that I probably shouldn't have a home birth again. I was and still am completely in awe of what happened. Abby was born healthy and wonderfully pink. It amazes me that she weighed in at 8lbs 7oz- the biggest of all my babies. I survived her birth (obviously) and I remained intact. No stitches, no damage except for a "rug burn" from Abby's passage out which will probably heal within 48 hours. A sheer miracle all things considered. I was even able to urinate 3 times before the midwives left. I have never felt so good after birth. No numbness, no monitors, no worrying, and no letting Abby out of my sight. Although the MOST excrutiatingly painful experience of my entire life, it was also the best labor and delivery. I could eat and drink whatever and whenever I felt the need arise. I wasn't strapped to a bed, I could shower, I was able to live in the moment (even though I truly thought I was going to die), and Abby's birth was attended by only myself and my husband. He did great- I couldn't have asked for a better birth coach, partner, and "catcher". :-)
What did I learn from this? Well, I'll have to save that for another blog entry. All I can say is that God once again has been merciful, faithful, and powerful. I am so thankful for all my friends and family who were praying us through our last leg of this journey. It's time for me to get some rest now and bask in the cuteness and cuddles from my sweet little baby girl who happens to be worth all the waiting and pain. Welcome to our world Abigail Olivia Kreusel! :-)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
40 Weeks
Friday, August 12th, 2011. This is my due date according to date of conception (VERY sure of that) and according to the sonogram done at 20 weeks (the most accurate time to have a sonogram). Unfortunately the odds of my dear Abby being born on her due date are slim- approximately 5%. Here I am, it's 10:49pm on August the 11th, 2011, thinking back on these past 40 weeks (maybe 34-35 weeks of actually "knowing"). What a crazy journey this has been for me and I do pity the people who have been able to keep up with my groanings and moanings during this time frame. I've gone from excited and extremely nauseated (and skinny) to depressed and anxious, and back to excited and nauseated (but this time very large) with a little bit of anxiety still looming about. This journey has seen my body go from a lean 125lbs to a rather plump physique of 168lbs (and I'm guessing Abby makes up about a fifth of the total weight gained) and in the next 6-9 months hopefully I'll see that 125 again (maybe). Emotionally I'm a wreck, physically I'm a wreck, but in my soul... *sigh* oh my soul.
This has been the toughest experience I have faced in my walk with the Lord. Only God knows how much I have fought Him, the proverbial "kicking and screaming", for the duration of Abby's short life. I went into this pregnancy thinking how wonderful it would be and dreaming of more children after my new little son was born. Son?! No- it's a GIRL! WHAT?! Wonderful?! No- I have prenatal depression. More children?! Hahaha- God's still working with me on this one. I, being completely honest, told God that if He were to make me barren after this child- I would TOTALLY be fine with that. That's coming from a woman who wants a big family (originally). I can't express how all of those expectations were dashed to pieces... and to add injury to insult (not really)... I was expecting an "early" baby. My first was born at 37 weeks 3 days (LMP). My second was born exactly at 39 weeks (LMP). Here I am staring down the throat of 40 weeks- yay I made it to my due date! (total sarcasm). I've surprised even my midwives! haha! And for those who don't realize my original due date was the 9th (yeah- only 3 days separate my due dates which is nice I guess)- I could technically be considered over due, but I'm not even gonna go there- not until Saturday. Everything I had in my head at the beginning has been thoroughly crushed, obliterated, and blown away, but here I am. Pregnancy is not one of those things you have control over in any way. Sure you can eat all the right stuff, avoid all the bad stuff, and somehow still manage to have a rough go at it. The one thing you go to bed praying for each night (after 37 weeks) is "Let tonight be the night!" with a "And let her be born healthy!". You wake up at 4am to nothing and go to bed frustrated and disappointed. You take the kids over to their grandparents' house 3 times for an average duration of 2 nights each stay and they come back to a still very pregnant and annoyed Mommy. AND at your 39 week appointment you get a cervical massage which works 2/3rds of the time, but for you... it just gave you a false sense of "this is it!" and once again your hopes go up in flames. Fun times. You begin to think that you might be like this forever. Fortunately- that's not going to happen. She HAS to come out at some point... right?
Today while the kids were taking their nap, I asked my husband if we had settled on her name. To my surprise- he said no. Well I thought he liked her name, but apparently not all of it. After an hour of him saying a name and my response (usually a "no") we agreed on her full name (not like you can change her last name though). BUT... and here's the kicker... we won't know "for sure" until we see her little face. Tonight I thought to myself, "I'm glad she's not here yet or we would've had a very serious and heated name discussion or she would've been named something not meant for her." Actually... every day this week has given me a reason to say, "I'm glad she's not here yet or I would've missed "such & such"." I guess there's a reason she's not here yet and it might NOT be that she's simply "not ready". I'm leaning more towards, "God's still got something to teach me, tell me, or get through my very thick skull." My mind has been so blinded by the circumstances and pity for myself, self-loathing, or what-not that I haven't been able to really grasp hold of anything. Here I am nearing my due date and FINALLY I can see just a wee bit of what I should've seen all along... that my God is a MERCIFUL God, a LOVING God, and a FAITHFUL God. He is the Creator of life and the One who calls this child out. I can't do anything except trust that He knows what He's doing and that it is a GOOD thing! I needed to give up whatever control I convinced myself I had a LONG time ago. So here I am staring at 40 weeks with these wonderful revelations and wondering how I could've been so lame brained to forget and ignore these truths.
In the bible, both Old and New Testaments, I've seen 40 days in lots of places. Noah was in the ark 40 days and 40 nights and Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days. In Noah's case it was a period of judgement (the Flood) and in Jesus' case it was a time of separation, preparation for His earthly ministry, and focus, followed by temptation. I'd like to think that these 40 weeks for me have been a mixture of both. Judging my true intentions, motivations, the reality of my heart (scary!), and at the same time preparing me for what lies ahead of me. Being a mom is tough. Being a mom of two little ones is difficult. Being the mom of three... I can scarcely imagine. But motherhood is what I was called to. Staying at home with my babies, homeschooling eventually, and raising them in the way of the Lord... this is serious stuff! I didn't have children because they are cute and I love baby hair rubbing against my face (oh how I look forward to baby hair!). I had children because that was the longing of my heart, a desire planted deeply by God who knows the REAL me! Sometimes I wonder what in the world He was thinking when He gave ME, of all people, children. Yikes- yes, pity my children.
I don't know what lies ahead. I'm praying for a healthy baby and a safe delivery, but I'm not guaranteed either one. I'm praying for the complete absence of depression after Abby arrives, but who knows... I might still have a few lessons to learn from this circumstance. Whatever comes, whatever happens, whatever I may still endure.. one thing I know for sure is that God never changes. And THAT is something to be happy about. :-)
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Practice For The Empty Nest?!
Last night Larry took the kiddos over to Grandma and Grandpa's house (their favorite place on the planet apparently) which meant no crying in the middle of the night (Bubba), no "I gotta go potty!" for the umptienth time (Phoebe), and a decent amount of sleep for me (5 hours with potty breaks- Holla!). Sounds like a great time for everyone, right? I mean, I woke up to a clean and quiet house for once in what seemed like an eternity! I also woke up crying. The quiet seemed unnatural and the cleanliness reminded me that I had no little people to wake me up in the morning. How could this be?! Wasn't it just yesterday that I was thinking to myself, "I am physically and mentally exhausted and these kids are just grating on my nerves! Get them to their grandparents' house ASAP so I can have SOME peace." I downright had had enough of my own children, but here I am crying because I had to wake up and spend time ALONE in an empty house because Larry had to work and the kids are thoroughly enjoying themselves without me. I haven't done that since I was, well... pregnant with Phoebe. Usually if I have "me" time- it's ME who leaves the house! There's something wrong with this picture. I should be basking in and relishing this relaxation and "peace".
I was rudely reminded of something this morning. The craziness, the mess, the screaming and hair pulling (from the kids), the crying (me), and the unrest (everyone)... all these things were part of the package deal when I first saw those two lines on the pregnancy test almost 4 years ago. This is what God thought I could handle when He, in His grace and love, gave me children. My tears stemmed from a heart that sincerely loves my children and honestly I would've given anything I own to hear my daughter say, "Mommy- Bubba's awake!" this morning. I know they are doing just fine and are probably having so much fun with their uncles and grandparents not even thinking about the agony Mommy is going through. Haha! I mean, it probably wouldn't be so bad if, you know, I was in labor or something, but not only did I have to go a night away from my Phoebe and Bubba- I had to endure another night wondering when Abby will show up. Poor Larry- he puts up with so much.
So... you may be asking yourself, "What did you do with that time alone?" Well... I'll tell you what I did not do- I did NOT stay home! (insert hysterical laughing) I went to Barnes & Noble to blog because our house does not pick up internet very well (at all) most of the time. So for future reference- if it takes me longer than a week to blog, that's the reason- internet is down. I'm sitting on a hard bench in the children's section at B&N writing. My very pregnant self would rather do this than enjoy the pristine-ness and quietness of my house. Why? That just seems insane. Maybe I am, but maybe I'm not. I'm a mom and one that has a very hard time letting go of my children. Is it because they are 3 and 17 months old? Maybe, but maybe not. I dread the day I let them stay the night at a friend's house, the day that they leave the house for life on their own, get married, have their own kids (well- THAT day I'll probably enjoy thoroughly!), and the day I have to face the reality of an empty nest. I know I have a few years (THANKFULLY!) but, unless God comes back before then, this is what my life will be like on a constant basis. That's a scary thought. As much as I don't like the insanity of home-life some days... I wouldn't trade it for what I'm experiencing right now. As one other mother once said, "The days are LONG (sometimes unbearably long), but the years are short." It seems like yesterday I was hyperventilating over a pee-stick that read, "A baby's a-comin'!" (a happy hyperventilating by the way). And some days it seems like forever until I'll have to say goodbye to my mess-ridden house. But that empty nest is not so far away (as many of my readers will agree). I'm sure it seems like yesterday that my mom and dad were going crazy running around my twin sister, my two brothers, and myself. And now they have 5 grandchildren (none of which will be living in the same state). Talk about time flying by. I'm sure my mom... well maybe my dad... miss the days when we'd climb up on their lap and give them a big hug or say, "I didn't do it." after they caught one of us in the middle of a broken cup or plate on the floor. I can only imagine how crazy life will still have to get before I watch my darling children walk down the aisle and join their new part of the family.
So as I woke up to my Empty Nest, I find myself scared of what will be and eternally grateful for what I have today. My precious children are blissfully unaware of what I'm going through and maybe that's a good thing for now. But for the rest of you... y'all get to thoroughly enjoy each thought that comes out this crazy randomness of my brain. :-) For those who have children- Enjoy them while you can. For those of you who don't- enjoy a clean house and the peace and quiet of the empty nest. Each season has it's own blessings and each season should be appreciated while it can be.
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