Ermy Wormy and Colic

Wow- so to start off, my excuse for not writing in the last couple days is that the severe rainstorm made its way into our Sentra's trunk via the key fob in the hands of overly curious children. I am on my husband's company iPad until we can get our new laptop from my very tech savvy and very gracious Daddy (he builds computers on the side as a hobby). The flooding here did not effect us directly although the rain did keep business away for a bit (hard to clean windows and do roof washes  when the weather is torrential). Anyhow... Who would've figured that my fourth child would be the "sensitive" one. I mean I'm an experienced mother of babies after all and I should know what I'm doing. Actually, I have no clue what to do. Emma cries, like beet red in the face, and can't get to sleep , and in her over tired state can't suck on anything properly which frustrates her all the more. Her condition has developed over the past couple of days to the point where I have asked myself where my sweet baby that kinda slept went to. I have put on white noise, had Emma in the swing swaddled, I wear her during the day (look up baby wearing/wrapping), and somehow I find the time to lay on the couch to put her to sleep on her belly. After half an hour she is awake and visibly tired, screaming and crying for nursing and then cries some more until she falls asleep again. She does have awake/alert moments where she is "happy", but they are few and far between and don't last very long. I think she might have colic. I posted a, "What the heck do I do?!" kinda question on the natural parenting page and well, I have tried pretty much everything thy recommended except for this thing called "Coleif" and taking dairy out of my diet (I exclusively breast feed so this avenue makes sense). I'm also now taking a digestive enzyme and hoping that helps as well. I've read that colic can last until 3-4 months of age which is quite discouraging to me since she is only 5 weeks old, but I guess it's better than say a year or lifetime. I really should be thankful that only one of my now four kids is this "difficult" or should I say "having a hard time adjusting internally and externally to life outside the womb" child. Aside from the not knowing how to really help her, taking dairy out is very hard and I won't even know if its working within a one to two week time frame. I miss yogurt and to a lesser extent cheese. I don't drink pasteurized cow's milk anymore so that doesn't bother me. Yesterday I wanted to curl up all fetal position and cry, but taking a placenta pill and a call from my mom helped immensely. I have a verse taped to the clear spot right above my toilet that gives me hope: 1 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me." I feel so raw, brought to my knees and really questioning what God could possibly be thinking in allowing this. Although I know it could be much worse, I do know that I am a real whiner about things concerning my kids simply because my home life is really overwhelming at the moment. Four kiddos five and under, only one of which can actually reach things and has the coordination to feed and clothe herself. Unfortunately she is also the only one who can think of all the reasons and express those reasons to not do as I've asked her. Ha... Ha. I am weak, but He is strong. I am in the process of being made strong. One day I may laugh at all this, but for right now I will do what parents have been doing forward centuries and millennia... By the grace of The Lord God in Heaven they do what they have to and make it to the end of each day not knowing if tomorrow will bring the same challenge or a different one which may or may not be more difficult. For today- this is what I have been given: a screaming baby who just wants to know her mama will be there to help her feel better and three other kids who in their own way desire the same thing. I am not enough, but I knows Who is...

Whew! And WHEW! And maybe add a "Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!," in there too... Somewhere.

Can I confess something? Okay, I am finding that four kiddos is a million times harder than three. I transitioned from two to three fairly easily (aside from the sleep deprivation), but I could be wrong and have totally forgotten how hard it was. This is the basic daily situation: not only is one of the older three left out of something, they scream and argue and take toys from each other and besides the normal tasks of feeding, clothing, and putting all of them down for naps and changing two of them, I have to wash dishes, laundry, and make sure the floor stays decently clean so I won't have one of the middle two eating off of it. Oh bless the day, Lord. As I have said many times before, this parenting thing is a "fly by the seat of your pants" kinda job and a constant "fail/learn/figure a better way to do it" cycle. I am cloth diapering two kiddos and Abby is not quite ready to potty learn. Honestly I don't have the energy to put into the monumental ordeal that is toilet training. Maybe when the littlest little starts sleeping for longer than 4-5 hours at night and isn't breast feeding constantly while awake, I will consider trying to figure out how ready Abby is. All that to say is aside from meeting the basic needs of Emma, I feel like I can't do a single thing right. The kids argue til the day's done, scream and fight like cats over raw cream, and sit for maybe a few minutes at a time. I raise my voice (okay I join in the screaming match from time to time with my own thunder boom) and try to find a minute or two to confess my utter agony over losing it with my kids (particularly my oldest who just turned 5 and, like her mama, insists she is right no matter what, questions everything, and tells me exactly what I'm doing wrong). Please tell me I am not the only mom out there who does this. I absolutely hate yelling and I seriously want to cry (and have done it more times than I care to count) every time I get a breather during the day. Gracious. I have pleaded with God to take away my anger and frustration (and maybe force my actual voice to take a vacay?), but if there was one thing I struggle with on a daily basis- this would be it. Parenting has shown me all of my faults and weaknesses more than an earthquake in California. I love getting up early in the morning after those 4-5hrs of blessed sleep to read my bible and drink my coffee, to spend time at my Father's feet and say I can't "do" today without you. This whole Mama gig is tough business and I am not enough. YES! It IS okay to get real here. It IS okay to admit that motherhood brings you to the edge of yourself, breaks you into the million pieces to reveal your core, and the only ONE who can heal you, who can heal your kids, and heal your home into what He has planned, is The Lord Himself. Did that make sense? Let me rephrase: only God can make your family into what it needs to be. Even the best mom can't do it on her own. I encourage my mama pals in cyber world to come to a place where it's totally okay to not be enough, to not have it together. You are human, your are beautifully and magnificently human. Your kids, my kids, are all wonderfully and blessedly human! That feeling inside when you feel your blood pressure may be rising, your head just might explode, and the only way to let that kind of crazy out is to open your mouth and scream/yell out to God- that is humanity. Only God perfectly handles frustration and anger. Take heart- the God who made the universe didn't just leave you to fend for yourself. He gives us an example and the tools to parent and is right there in the nick of time in every situation. He also knows what we are capable of and where we totally blow it and He is patient and loving in the midst of our impatience and unloving-ness. So just to clarify: I'm not the perfect mother. Heck, I'm not even close to being in the running for mom of the year, but for some reason God above gave me four earth-side crazy awesome-filled vessels of suh-weet insanity. I trust (and even in the moments i doubt) God knows what He is doing even if (and especially when) I don't.

Long time no write... And some serious updating.

Gracious, it's been forever since I last wrote! So sorry for the serious slackaholic tendencies. An update is in order and then from here on out I promise to be more committed to this frenzy of information and updates from yours truly. My little Abigail is now 21 months old and is a BIG sister to a sweet little four week old little girl named Emma. Yeah, THAT happened. If you'll kindly excuse my newborn mama brain (of course you will) it'd be greatly appreciated. It would be important to let y'all into a very dark season of my life so you'll understand where I'm coming from when I say "our lost little" or something to that degree. In late June of 2012 we found out we were expecting again without warning since my cycles hadn't resumed after having Abby. We were very surprised, but happy. Each life is very precious to us and I secretly hoped for the little son that would even our family out. About a week after finding out, I got a terrible feeling while headed to prayer meeting. I confided in Larry that I didn't feel right and I was worried. Larry tried to lay my fears to rest and said it would be alright. The next morning I started bleeding, not a gush but like a very heavy period and it didn't stop. I called my midwife in tears and got an ultrasound that afternoon to confirm that I was no longer pregnant. There was no sac, no baby, just a "healthy" it uterus that appeared to be normal. I was shocked, but beside myself with pain. I was still nursing Abby 3-4 times a day and pretty much stopped cold turkey over the next few days. I was very tender and hated nursing- the absolute time I used to look forward to each day had become so painful both physically and emotionally. I lost not only my sweet little one, but now I had lost this beautiful nursing relationship. I suppose you could say I was depressed, but is weeks later (mid August I guess), I found out I was pregnant again. I was scared, like crazy scared. So scared that I went to have an ultrasound at 7weeks to confirm that indeed my baby had a heartbeat. Sure enough they did! We could finally tell our family and friends what had happened. I knew this baby would be the healing I needed. At 23 weeks we found out baby #5 was a girl. So ya know how my husband has 5 brothers and NO sisters? Yeah. I looked a fool laying there in shock and awe at this revelation. At 40wks and 4 days, after 8 hours of labor, I birthed a very large 9lb10oz and 22inches long baby GIRL- the silly picture was spot on. Lol I'll have to go into more details about her pregnancy, but for now that's all you have to know. Emma Ruth is happy, health, and a big eater and light sleeper. VERY different from Abby, but amazing little person she is keeps my mind on the brink of insanity while the other three keep me so busy I forget about how tired I am. Soooo... That's basically that's the important update to bring y'all back to where I'm at. I just turned 29, my oldest just turned 5, and I have four kiddos... Yikes! Life just got more fun. Spread the word- Brown Eyed Girl is back in bloggy business and now that I have a reliable Internet source I can actually stay in the mix. :-) Till next time!!!