It's weird I know, but I'm trying it out.

Yesterday I was talking to one the sisters at our little chapel. I was describing how bad the morning sickness was (I threw up three times while we were there) and how I think it's caused by the excess mucus and drainage, but also when I eat any dairy I get sick pretty much ASAP. So she says, "Don't have milk products and don't have any wheat. Do this for 90 days." Well, 90 days would pretty much bring me to the average stopping point of my morning sickness (19 weeks gestation) so I said to myself, "Why not? I don't have anything to lose, do I?"

Here I am, day 1 of this new "diet" and I woke up in fear of the bathroom. I clung to Larry (who had to use the bathroom really badly- oh the things he puts up with from me) and basically said to him, "if I let go I'm going to throw up." Thankfully I haven't and I'm feeling much better and I'll tell you the reason. Now, my usual wake-up routine contains a cup of chai tea with 2% or skim milk and yesterday's chai came right back up and I felt awful for the rest of the day. This morning I put the chai mixture (from a box) in half a cup of rice-milk that I made last night with the vita-mix my awesome mother-in-law let me borrow for a few weeks. It didn't taste the same, but tada- I'm not rushing to the sink/toilet/trashcan. It didn't taste bad- just different. THEN I made myself a "veggie drink" in the vita-mix with red bell pepper, celery, spinach, and apples. It tasted like a veggie drink (the bell peppers are very powerful!) but I'm on here and not in the bathroom. My verdict... vegetables and rice milk help ALOT! Yesterday morning I had milk and eggs (not that protein isn't important because it IS!) and I threw up four times before noon. If I can make it to noon without throwing up I'll know it's because of the lack of milk (and veggies and fruits don't hurt).

I don't feel nauseated right now! This in and of itself is miraculous! With Phoebe I gained almost 40 lbs. and with Stephen (after losing 10 lbs and gaining it back) about 50lbs. I know the reason I gained so much weight (at least I think so) is because in the first trimester I only ate what would stay down or make me feel better for a few minutes or frankly what would NOT taste awful coming back up, but this meant that I was putting chips and salsa in my body on a pretty much constant basis- sad but true. And after the first trimester (and some of the second) my body basically went into "give me everything in sight" mode. I made huge mistakes in the first trimester that cost me in the second and third trimesters. Not this time! This time is going to be different! This time I'm going to start off right! This time I'm gonna make sure I learn the hard lesson of "it does matter what I eat in the first trimester, even if it comes back out!".

Okay, tomorrow starts week 8. My morning sickness with Phoebe lasted until week 17 and with Stephen, week 22. This means I have about 3 more months of nausea. This means the 90 days that I'm going to try this "diet" out are going to mean a huge deal. No milk, no wheat. A friend of mine has told me that she has a great spelt recipe that she's going to give me along with some spelt flour (it's actually quite expensive in the stores- so THIS is a huge blessing!) Yup- you guessed it... I will be baking my own bread from now on. Spelt bread in the stores is more expensive and you have to look at certain stores since it's not sold everywhere. Thankfully the same friend gave me a BOSCH as a wedding gift. :-) This also is a chance to start baking with Phoebe and give us the opportunity to do some homemaking together. :-)

My hope is that the nausea will subside earlier with Shiloh and that my body will be a healthier "house". If you believe in prayer- please pray for me. I'm an average american who usually eats the average american diet. I will have struggles in this journey to change what I've known for so long and the transition may be harder than I expect, but hopefully not. Be praying for little Shiloh too. My goal is a healthy baby and everything I do to my body will be for that purpose. :-)

Why? Why Not?

I'm in my 7th week... the pregnancy symptoms are on the up and up and I actually "look" pregnant (even though it's bloating- Shiloh is not big enough for me to be showing yet.) All these are good signs, right?

Well... as any pregnant mother will tell you, the first trimester is pretty scary. This is when 80% of miscarriage occurs and there's really nothing you can do about it. 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and if this were to happen to me- I wouldn't be the only one who's been through it. But it is still scary. I told Larry last night about my fear and he told me, "Why don't you take it to the Lord?" He is the great Healer and Comforter after all- so why not? I just laid there and said a silent little prayer. "Help me not to be afraid and help me to trust You." With Phoebe, I stopped exercising for a few weeks because I spotted (which was actually implantation bleeding but I didn't know that). With Stephen (I experienced implantation bleeding again), we went to the ER because I thought I felt something was wrong and I feared miscarriage (which was actually bacterial vaginosis and I developed it again in the 3rd trimester). With Phoebe I saw her at 6 weeks via sonogram at a pregnancy center. With Stephen, I saw him at 10 weeks in the ER. So here I am again... that weird feeling- that fearful feeling- creeps back. I wonder if I just saw Shiloh, would that make me not worry? Seeing would be believing. But Jesus said, blessed are those who believe without seeing (well, He didn't exactly mean it in this context, but it's applicable).

Pregnancy didn't really sink in for me with my two previous little ones until I saw the little moving entity in those ultrasound rooms. But this baby... this baby has already become so real. I look at my beautiful daughter and my incredibly cute son and I think to myself, "Shiloh is like them. One day he/she will be in my arms, then crawling, and then walking and talking!" This pregnancy is sooo different in one major way. It feels real to me even though I don't see them. The fear of miscarriage is so palpable because Shiloh is so real to me.

Where do I run? Who can I turn to? No person can tell me it's going to be alright and know completely for sure that everything is going to be alright. Only One can give me peace. Only One can comfort me as I walk down this dim path. I trusted Him with my body before becoming pregnant and I trusted Him carrying me through labor and delivery. Why of all times would I not trust Him with Shiloh's little life? Shiloh is His gift to me. He allowed me to become pregnant and enjoy this gift... not just enjoy Shiloh's presence after they enter this world, but Shiloh was given to me for me to enjoy him/her in the now, even though I don't see them. There's a reason God has allowed me to feel the reality of pregnancy without seeing them. I need to trust that the purpose is for my benefit and more importantly for His glory.

Oh me of little faith. Help my unbelief. Give me peace and let my soul rest in You. Thank You for Your gift to me... my little Shiloh. Protect him/her and if it be in Your will, let me see him/her with my own eyes in August.

Sinking In

Now that I've had a day or two to let the reality of Shiloh sink in, here are some thoughts. Bare with me... placenta brain has already taken control (even though the placenta is actually still growing and forming).

One major difference from my other two pregnancies is that I weigh 15 lbs less than I did with Phoebe at this stage and 12 lbs less than I did with Stephen. I feel healthier and have a tad bit of energy that I didn't have with my previous two (which all my mommy-friends know makes a world of difference). My goal after having Stephen was to get healthier in preparation for the next go-round (whenever that would be). So here I am healthier and ready for the next 8 1/2 months! :-)

Another major difference is that "the ladies" don't hurt. With Phoebe, I was miserable. With Stephen, it was pretty bad. This time they don't hurt at all. That kinda made me want to freak out, but EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT. I have to remind myself that every now and again.

I guess the one thing (out of many things!) that I am thankful for right now is that my belly has not expanded like it did with my other two (mostly from bloating). At this point with both kiddos I was already having a hard time fitting into my old clothes. I don't know at what point I'll have to purchase a belly band to expand the life of my current wardrobe, but it'll be fun when I do. The fact that my pregnancy clothes are actually scattered around the country right now doesn't pay me no mind. In fact- my previous pregnancy wardrobe catered to babies being born in winter or spring (and a much larger Mommy). My little summer-due Shiloh has given me an excuse to purchase a new pregnancy wardrobe (not new clothes of course- consignment stores are awesome!). Exciting!

With all these wonderful little differences I am brought back to the reality that not much has changed as I look back on my previous pregnancies. I still get nervous when I "spot" and when those little gas bubbles "flutter" in my pelvis- I am reminded of the little kicks that I once stood still for. I still worry about the "what if's" and if I'll actually see little Shiloh in August. I still think about how Phoebe and now Stephen will react to their new sibling and if they will love Shiloh as much as they love each other. I let my imagination wander as to the gender and what names would suit this little person. With Phoebe we didn't take long to pick out a girl name and boy name. So when we found out Stephen was a boy, we just used the name we would've given Phoebe if she had been a boy. BUT now I have to start from square one- that's exciting! :-D As an "experienced" baby care-giver, I've already decided two things (if everything goes well). I will be nursing and I will be cloth diapering. Yay! Stephen will still be in diapers at that point, but we might be in the potty training process so we'll see. :-)

For those who are curious, I have not had morning sickness in it's full-blown form yet. I've had a few waves of nausea, but for the most part I'm not "sick". For that simple fact, I am EXTREMELY thankful. My sense of smell has skyrocketed and the headaches have begun already. :-p My nasal drainage (which was a plague with Stephen's pregnancy) has begun and I hope it's simply allergies. I'm not exhausted yet, but I'm getting there and my back hurts when I wake up. These are all wonderful little things that tell me that the hormones are increasing and this gives me a bit of comfort.

Hospital birth versus Birth Center vs Home birth:

With Phoebe, as many of you are well aware, we had planned a home-birth. When my labor didn't start after my water broke- we ended up in the hospital, induced labor and needed an epidural (which resulted in spinal headaches- blah). Needless to say, I still struggle with that fact.

With Stephen, we decided to just be in the hospital if the same thing happened. My water broke again, but labor started within 2 hours- still irregular contractions and he pooped in-utero. Doctor freaked out and gave me pitocin and from there- epidural (at leas I got to a 7 beforehand!).

I've told everyone that natural labor and delivery is my heart's earnest desire for Shiloh (obviously- if I need to go to the hospital in an emergency I WILL!) We've decided that a birth center is our best option. I hated going into the hospital- I didn't trust my doctor whole-heartedly and I don't think he liked me much. The staff wouldn't let me bring my Phoebe (oh poor Phoebe) to the appointments and I didn't feel right being there. On the other hand- we probably won't do a home-birth, the closest hospital is the one I delivered Stephen at and as nice as they were... I don't want to go there again. The birth center is four minutes away from University (which is where I delivered Phoebe) and is a great hospital in emergency situations (it has a NICU unlike the one I delivered Stephen at).

I've learned my lesson with Phoebe, if things don't go the way we planned- there's a purpose in it and I will praise the Lord. If the Lord allows me to have a natural labor and delivery- I will glory in Him. I'm not gonna get high and mighty about what I think is best and that it will happen the way I want it to. If I have to have a c-section to have a healthy baby- I will. (I'd rather not, but if I have to I will). My ultimate goal is to have a healthy Shiloh and no matter what happens- that will always be the goal. *sigh*

The dynamic of our household will change... not as much as with my previous two, but it will change nevertheless. Going from none to one was the hardest transition. Going from one to two was easier than I expected. Going from two to three... well I'll have to wait and see. The beauty of having three so close is that they will be close to each other (at least that is my prayer! And God answered my prayer with the arrival of Stephen so beautifully!) Phoebe absolutely LOVES Stephen- more than I could've ever imagined! My hope is that they will love Shiloh as much as they love each other. Right now the household is even- two boys and two girls. Now, unless, we are having fraternal twins, that will change as well. One of the children will have a roommate after Shiloh's 3-6 months of staying in mommy and daddy's room and a big-kid bed will have to be purchased for Phoebe since Stephen will have the toddler bed.

I don't play favorites with my children, but I think Phoebe is my special little girl. I never expected to have a daughter (my husband has 5 brothers- no sisters) and her birth was pretty crazy. She's the one who I make most of my parenting mistakes with and yet she's such a sweet and gentle helper. I'm thankful she was born first. She's going to experience so much change in her short life and as wonderful as she is at adjusting (I think that's a God-given gift for her!) I worry for her. I'm half-hoping Shiloh is a boy so that Phoebe will remain my only little princess, but if Shiloh is a girl I'm pretty sure Phoebe will welcome that fact whole-heartedly! hehe

Well... my blah blah blah has come to its close for now. Thanks for bearing with me. I just needed a moment this morning to reflect and "vent". :-)

Shiloh

I don't know how to start this. It's 1:27am and I should be asleep, but I actually have a few minutes (or an hour maybe) to jot down my ponderings in peace and quiet.

Shiloh: "His gift." or "He who was sent." This is used today as a gender neutral name, but in Hebrew actually given to male children. Christmas time is upon us (and HOW!) once again and it's at this particular time we remember Christ as the little baby in the manger... before He had hundreds of followers, before the Pharisees took notice, and before the cruel Cross. Here Jesus lies peacefully asleep as His earthly father, earthly mother, a few shepherds, and a bunch of animals look on (the wisemen came a little later). There He is... God's gift, He who was sent.

Each of my children's names was specifically given as a means to point others to Christ so when a person asks what does their name mean it opens up a grand opportunity.

"Phoebe"- light bringer/ shining one

"Lynn"- "lake, waterfall, or pool"/ if derived from Linda "pretty" (this was also my grandmother's middle name and she went home to be with the Lord about a week before Phoebe was born.)

So Phoebe is my pretty light bringer. My hope and prayer is that one day she will show the world the beautiful and true Light of Jesus Christ.

"Stephen"- Crowned

"Benjamin"- Son of my right hand

So Stephen's name reminds me that Christ is crowned, sitting at the right had of the Father making intercession for us. My hope and prayer is that he will be like Stephen mentioned in the book of Acts- a man full of the Spirit and trustworthy in the service of the Lord.

This brings me back to Shiloh... His gift, He who was sent. It's not "A gift" nor is it just "gift". Shiloh meas HIS gift- a gift from God Almighty! Each of my children are HIS gift to me. They are sent from God above with a purpose and oh what a blessing my three children are to me!

No... that's not a typo. There are three. Tuesday I took a test with a very faint line. This morning I took another two and there lies the proof. I'm thinking I might have to take a picture. I am aware that most people see us as ridiculous for letting God give us children in His own time (and however many He gives as well), but here we are. In June we will celebrate 4 years of wedded bliss and in August we will welcome our third child, our little Shiloh (not their "real" name- we've got a while to come up with that). Whether our little Shiloh is a boy or a girl (which is highly doubtful, BUT God can do ANYTHING! Hey, He gave us Phoebe- the daughter we never thought we could have) they are His GIFT to us. It also may sound silly for us to tell the world soon after three positive pregnancy tests, but you can all be praying for us now, that we will deliver a healthy baby in 8 months.

Shiloh, my little Shiloh. You are not an inconvenience. You are not an unplanned baby, for God had planned you before the world began. You are a human being. You are my child. You are a gift, His gift to this world and to this Mommy. You may be only millimeters long, but you are incredibly loved. :-) My prayer is that I see you in 8 months face to face, but if not, I will see you in glory. :-)

Let's see who actually reads this thing...

Scared? Maybe. Exciting? Definitely. Get my hopes up? Not yet.

I'll let you know tomorrow. I will let you know through this little blog thing that I've got going on.

The Blessings of a Small House

I truly believe sometimes God gives us a random sweet thought to bring us into an attitude of thanksgiving. This morning I was focusing on doing the laundry, cleaning the dishwasher plagued by San Antonio hard-water, and making sure that my little son's diaper is constantly dry or changed (he is battling a bad rash right now). So much to do it seems and I kept thinking, "Ugh- I can't wait to get out of this little house with it's small kitchen, cracked foundation, small bathroom (only one), and make-shift third bedroom (was a garage)." As I was closing my daughter's bedroom door (to make sure that my son didn't crawl in there) a thought came to me. The design of this house and the size is just right for us. Our living area and kitchen/ dining area are on one side of the house and the doors to our bedrooms and bathroom are clustered in our little hallway dividing the house in half. I only need walk mere inches from my bedroom door to the children's doors and the bathroom (though indeed small) opens to my son's room as well which means I don't have to lug the diaper pail far (we do cloth diapers). The 1150 sq. ft. that we call home only takes an hour or two to sweep, mop, vacuum, and move back furniture and I don't have to spread these tasks over a few days like some of my comrades.

If I could design a home it would probably look similar to this one (except with a larger kitchen, dining area and bathroom (maybe an extra one as well to accomadate our growing family)). Not that I don't look forward to maybe getting a larger house, but I'm sure I will miss these days when we do. This house is small enough to know exactly where both of my children are at all times (which for their age is VERY important!) and I don't have very far to run when one of my little ones has gotten themselves into a precarious predicament.

One of the brothers at our little chapel said once, "We shouldn't focus on Thanksgiving. We should be thanks-living." Thank You Lord for bringing to my mind the blessings you have graciously given to me. :-)