So much has happened in the past few days...

Well we had our sonogram on Tuesday and we found out we are expecting another GIRL!!! I'm in awe and flabbergasted to say the least. I had a feeling, but always assumed Shiloh was a boy. My mind is in many places at the moment, but I'll try to sort them out in a way that is coherent and understandable.

The sonogram revealed not only the gender of little Shiloh, but an anomoly called a choroid plexus cyst. If you google it, this formation (like a bubble) occurs in 1-3% of all 2nd trimester sonograms and 90+ percent clear up on their own. A CPC doesn't effect the development of the child, but is can be a "soft" indicator of Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome) and Trisomy 21 (Downs Syndrome). This is my understanding from all the googling I've done in the past couple of days. Trisomy 18 is 10 times rarer than trisomy 21, but is a far more serious condition that results in severe birth defects which result in death before adolescence. Both of these situations occur in less than 1% of babies with a CPC. So although the situation is rare and usually clears up on its own- the less than 1% is pretty devastating.

Let me say that I'm not worried and after hearing the news we've decided to prepare for the "what-ifs" but not dwell on them. We are going to schedule another sonogram for some time between weeks 28-32. By then the CPC will have cleared up on its own. Since we are planning for a natural labor and delivery at a birth center, the possibility of something more serious calls us to be prepared for a hospital delivery. This is the main reason we are having the second sonogram done- to just be prepared for a change in our plans. Little Shiloh is in very capable hands and the situation is completely out of my control. The God I serve loves me very much and loves my little child very much so the questions, "Why me?" and "Why this?" only set my mind up to doubt this simple fact. I'm learning more and more that when I become frustrated with God about the what ifs and whys, I'm furthering myself from the JOY He has in store for me every second of every day.

As I researched everything that this CPC could indicate, I realize it does no good. I'm one of those "I want to know right now and I don't enjoy surprises unless they come in a bouquet of flowers or a get together with friends." so you can only imagine what my mind does. I've got to research and KNOW what's going on. Unfortunately- this very ingrained desire of mine only sets my heart and head in a place it doesn't need to be. Whatever happens will happen whether I look stuff up or not. I will still love my little baby girl as much as I love my other children. If we have further challenges to face after her birth then we will by God's grace and mercy. I'm not being flippant about this either... this could potentially be very serious, but the potential does not exceed the God I trust in. Every trial I pass through passes before Him first and nothing comes as a surprise. That gives me a hope and peace that can't be explained with words.

For the past few nights I've laid awake just feeling little Shiloh kicking like crazy and move around. She's so much like Phoebe was. I think back to when I was expecting Phoebe- I was in shock and so excited about having the girl I never thought was possible (my husband has 5 brothers and no sisters). Here I am in a situation I never thought was possible... EVER! I'm nervous about having another little girl. I'm realizing more and more that I'm the role model they will look to for wisdom and guidance about womanly things. What kind of example will I show them? I just expected to have all boys and for Larry to carry the "burden" of being the role model, but my expectations have been blown out of the water. I feel inadequate and ashamed that I'm not what I need to be for my children. What a promise is given to us in the bible- when we ask for wisdom God doesn't withhold it from us! He wants to come to Him freely and curl up in His lap and at times even cry those tears that express what words can't.

I listened to a program on the radio for a few minutes yesterday on my way home from HEB. The speaker was talking about letting Christ serve us. It begged the question, "When did I stop allowing Christ to serve me?" Peter said, "No!!! You can't do this!" But Christ responds with a resounding, "Unless you allow me to do this, you have no part with me." Yikes! As a Christian, my mind is set up to always be serving Him- doing stuff for Him and doing things for others in His name. But I can't do those things unless I allow Him to serve me first. I know it's a weird thing to wrap my mind around, but it's true. The grace He gives each day- do I let Him give it to me and do I dwell in that grace OR do I say, "No- please don't, I can do this on my own, but thanks, anyway." When I'm at home with my kids all day- do I receive the wisdom and patience He holds out for me afresh each morning and moment by moment? I must confess it is a resounding NO!!! And now with my little Shiloh... do I reach out and accept the peace only He can give or do I dwell in worrisome thoughts and the "what-ifs"? This is the place He has brought me to. Do I just drag myself along kicking and screaming or do I let Him lead me? These thoughts are somewhat revolutionary because I have to allow myself to be changed. He doesn't ask me to do anything He hasn't done already and He will never ask me to do anything that is too much to handle outside His strength and love.

I am convinced that nothing can separate me from His love. Praise be to God!

The Clearing Before Bed

I have about a million (obvious exaggeration) things going on in my brain right about now which is a shame since it's 11:51PM as I start this here blog entry. *sigh* So I'll be as short-winded on each as I can without stifling the thought processes.

1) I feel overwhelmed by my house. Needless to say I really should get over it, but maybe (just maybe) that's who I am. I need to have a clean floor to feel a sense of calm. This is the one environment I have a bit of control over so I feel there's a demand for sanity here. I find it funny that people think "Oh your house looks a lot cleaner than mine." and I smile and think to myself, "I'm pretty sure you're missing the sink full of dishes and the corner where I put the toy box that has this lava effect going on." haha! So tomorrow guess what I'm doing? I'm doing the floors (which in turn forces me to pick things up and I end up organizing most of the "public" spaces).

2) Larry felt Shiloh kick for the first time- very exciting! Then I let my 2 yr old try and a few seconds later she said, "Baby done." I told her that she could feel the baby later if she wanted and she replied, "Okay." She asks more questions and I think she's at least 100% more aware of what's going on than when I was pregnant with Stephen. It's fun to have a short conversation about Baby every now and again. I look forward to the things she says during the sonogram! :-)

3) And now a little more thought sobriety. I'm sure everyone's talking about it, but today was the first day I actually saw photos of what's going on in Japan. My imagination really couldn't come up with the scenes of the disaster areas. In one photo this mother was walking, crying, and holding her child's lifeless body- both were covered in mud. The reality of this event really hit in the few seconds I stared at this photo. It's situations like this where we want to blame something or someone, but there isn't anything or anyone to blame. We want justice to prevail and all to be right in the world, but the only thing that mother wants is the life of her child back. We can't make either happen. The only thing we can do is pray for those who are alive and give aid as quickly as possible. It amazes me that even after such an event, history will coldly say it was 8.9 on the Richter scale and it was one of the top 5 worst earthquakes/tsunamis in Japan's history (or something similar).

4) That brings me to my last thought for the night (clearing my mind is good to do before bedtime). Recorded history is pretty much heartless. The linear narrative reads off numbers, "important" names, and the effects of the said event. From volcanoes, famine, floods, and earthquakes, to wars, treaties, governments, and trade. Good or bad we can only see the deep emotional reality through pictures, letters, and journals. They reveal people who have dreams and plans for the future. These living, breathing men, women, and children had something to lose or something to gain within those pages of your history book. Each of these people had a purpose! Their pain is real as you read a handwritten note from a WWII soldier saying he won't be coming home and yet the joy is intensely palpable as you stare at the bride's face beaming through the faded wedding photo. Our physical lives are summed up by a dash between two separate dates. What we do in the midst of that dash will be remembered by the people we love and the lives we touch. Our memory is etched in the minds and hearts of those who lived in our own little world. My great great grandchildren may never know my name or face, but the legacy I leave in my children and in my children's children may be known for many decades after I'm gone. What I do here DOES matter through eternity!

So, as I struggles to finish this blog without sounding flippant, I will conclude with this. It's almost 1:00am and the day I wake up to (Lord-willing) is a gift and my legacy will be built by the moments tomorrow brings. Not so much in the extraordinary super-hero seconds, but in the "normal" and mundane minutes and hours will my dash be engraved. Thanks for reading. :-)

Has It Really Been 6 Weeks Since the last update?!

So, as you pretty much have figured out- I'm a slacker. Blogging is fun, but time consuming and when you don't have much time to write or think about what you're going to write- you end up not doing either. Sorry for my slacker-ness. Quick update:

Week 12- still nauseated but throwing up maybe 1 every few days and still not able to drink any water without carbonation. Blah.

The BIG STORY: We had our first midwife appointment (we are going through a birth center since our hospital experiences were not at all what we had liked them to be- and in general I have a great mistrust of OB's) Well, mistake number 1 was taking two under three by MYSELF to an appointment. Mistake number 2 was assuming I could handle it on my own and still have enough energy for the rest of the day. We got there- I filled out paperwork (surprised my blood pressure was normal after all that!) and I went in to visit with my midwife Jennifer and the midwife in training (I'm all for learning experiences, right?) I'm at complete ease as we go through questions while continuing to give my little ones something to do besides grabbing onto the mini-blinds and crawling under furniture (they ARE well behaved in general, but since the birthing center is sooooo exciting- they simply had to explore every aspect of it). Again- I'm surprised my blood pressure came out normal. I filled out a few more forms and had my temp taken (slightly higher than normal) and my blood pressure- totally normal. They weighed me and I weighed in at around 133 lbs. Not bad for throwing up alot weeks earlier. They gave me a food intake paper and asked me to bring it back at the next appointment. Great. I also had a basic blood analysis taken ( I wasn't tested for STD's because both my husband and myself are each other's one and only partner). Jennifer took my two crazy kids out to explore some more so they didn't have to watch red fluid come out of my arm via a needle (my daughter freaks out at anything that looks remotely like a shot). Lastly- I got to hear my little one's heartbeat (strong and in the 160's) Tada! All done. Come back in 4 weeks! Needless to say I was wiped out for the next two days.

Week 13- nauseated only at night and in the mornings

Week 14- nauseated at night and in the mornings (threw up once)

BIG STORY: I felt Shiloh kick for the first time- seriously was NOT gas. Yay!!!

Week 15- nauseated only in the evenings- woohoo! Starting to feel my pelvis stretch (can anyone say outch?!)

Week 16- I can drink REGULAR WATER!!!! YES!!! Second midwife appointment! YES!!!

BIG STORY: My husband came with me this time and that day just happened to be my son's birthday (YAY for ONE YEAR OLD!!!) We went to my son's 1 yr appointment where he got a finger prick and three vaccines. :-p Oh my little trooper. He slept it off later on. My daughter was quite the handful, but I'm glad I didn't go it alone this time. :-) We had Chik-fil-A for breakfast and then headed to the midwife appointment. I discovered that I eat too much for my own good and the scale showed it. I gained 7 lbs in 4 weeks- yikes! The food journal was filled out and forgotten at home, but I knew exactly why I gained 7 lbs.- lots of carbs and LOTS chips and pickles. :-P Naughty Preggy. No needles this time around. Lots of questions and lots of craziness (two toddlers will do that for ya) along with a very strong heartbeat in the 140's (totally normal). It was a great visit and after that we headed home where I think I might've gotten a nap in.

Week 17- it's craziness. Sheer craziness. Every time I get up I feel like my pelvis is going to split (painful). My nausea is very slight and it attacks at night every other day. I'm almost out of the nausea.

BIG STORY: I laid awake one night/morning around 3am and felt pressure in my lower abdomen. I placed my hand pretty low to feel a very hard "bump" which so happened to be Shiloh's backside poking outward. I rubbed Shiloh's "back" for a few minutes (which is like an eternity with in-utero babies: Shiloh must have liked it). Then a few minutes later Shiloh moved away and I could go to the bathroom again. I have to admit- that was a very happy moment, but scary at the same time. In less than 6 months I will meet this little person. Woah... reality- I imagined newborn-ness and my kids staring at this baby thinking "What's that?!" and then after my husband returns to work- being at home alone with THREE!!! Yowzers and yikes again!

I'm in week 18 and so far it's been pretty good. Stressful, but good. :-) I have a 1 yr old, an almost 3 yr old and the next three weekends have something going on. I'm not expecting another blog to pop up for a month or so unless something incredible happens (like finding out the GENDER!) Yeah- I won't keep y'all waiting too long for that one. :-)

I looked at the calendar and told myself, "I'm only 17 weeks?!" This pregnancy seems to be taking forever- which irks me yet makes me realize that 2 outside is pretty good for now. :-) Appreciate every moment you get... *kick* And Shiloh says, "Hi!"