40 Weeks

Friday, August 12th, 2011. This is my due date according to date of conception (VERY sure of that) and according to the sonogram done at 20 weeks (the most accurate time to have a sonogram). Unfortunately the odds of my dear Abby being born on her due date are slim- approximately 5%. Here I am, it's 10:49pm on August the 11th, 2011, thinking back on these past 40 weeks (maybe 34-35 weeks of actually "knowing"). What a crazy journey this has been for me and I do pity the people who have been able to keep up with my groanings and moanings during this time frame. I've gone from excited and extremely nauseated (and skinny) to depressed and anxious, and back to excited and nauseated (but this time very large) with a little bit of anxiety still looming about. This journey has seen my body go from a lean 125lbs to a rather plump physique of 168lbs (and I'm guessing Abby makes up about a fifth of the total weight gained) and in the next 6-9 months hopefully I'll see that 125 again (maybe). Emotionally I'm a wreck, physically I'm a wreck, but in my soul... *sigh* oh my soul. 

This has been the toughest experience I have faced in my walk with the Lord. Only God knows how much I have fought Him, the proverbial "kicking and screaming", for the duration of Abby's short life. I went into this pregnancy thinking how wonderful it would be and dreaming of more children after my new little son was born. Son?! No- it's a GIRL! WHAT?! Wonderful?! No- I have prenatal depression. More children?! Hahaha- God's still working with me on this one. I, being completely honest, told God that if He were to make me barren after this child- I would TOTALLY be fine with that. That's coming from a woman who wants a big family (originally). I can't express how all of those expectations were dashed to pieces... and to add injury to insult (not really)... I was expecting an "early" baby. My first was born at 37 weeks 3 days (LMP). My second was born exactly at 39 weeks (LMP). Here I am staring down the throat of 40 weeks- yay I made it to my due date! (total sarcasm). I've surprised even my midwives! haha! And for those who don't realize my original due date was the 9th (yeah- only 3 days separate my due dates which is nice I guess)- I could technically be considered over due, but I'm not even gonna go there- not until Saturday. Everything I had in my head at the beginning has been thoroughly crushed, obliterated, and blown away, but here I am. Pregnancy is not one of those things you have control over in any way. Sure you can eat all the right stuff, avoid all the bad stuff, and somehow still manage to have a rough go at it. The one thing you go to bed praying for each night (after 37 weeks) is "Let tonight be the night!" with a "And let her be born healthy!". You wake up at 4am to nothing and go to bed frustrated and disappointed. You take the kids over to their grandparents' house 3 times for an average duration of 2 nights each stay and they come back to a still very pregnant and annoyed Mommy. AND at your 39 week appointment you get a cervical massage which works 2/3rds of the time, but for you... it just gave you a false sense of "this is it!" and once again your hopes go up in flames. Fun times. You begin to think that you might be like this forever. Fortunately- that's not going to happen. She HAS to come out at some point... right?

Today while the kids were taking their nap, I asked my husband if we had settled on her name. To my surprise- he said no. Well I thought he liked her name, but apparently not all of it. After an hour of him saying a name and my response (usually a "no") we agreed on her full name (not like you can change her last name though). BUT... and here's the kicker... we won't know "for sure" until we see her little face. Tonight I thought to myself, "I'm glad she's not here yet or we would've had a very serious and heated name discussion or she would've been named something not meant for her." Actually... every day this week has given me a reason to say, "I'm glad she's not here yet or I would've missed  "such & such"." I guess there's a reason she's not here yet and it might NOT be that she's simply "not ready". I'm leaning more towards, "God's still got something to teach me, tell me, or get through my very thick skull." My mind has been so blinded by the circumstances and pity for myself, self-loathing, or what-not that I haven't been able to really grasp hold of anything. Here I am nearing my due date and FINALLY I can see just a wee bit of what I should've seen all along... that my God is a MERCIFUL God, a LOVING God, and a FAITHFUL God. He is the Creator of life and the One who calls this child out. I can't do anything except trust that He knows what He's doing and that it is a GOOD thing! I needed to give up whatever control I convinced myself I had a LONG time ago. So here I am staring at 40 weeks with these wonderful revelations and wondering how I could've been so lame brained to forget and ignore these truths. 

In the bible, both Old and New Testaments, I've seen 40 days in lots of places. Noah was in the ark 40 days and 40 nights and Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days. In Noah's case it was a period of judgement (the Flood) and in Jesus' case it was a time of separation, preparation for His earthly ministry, and focus, followed by temptation. I'd like to think that these 40 weeks for me have been a mixture of both. Judging my true intentions, motivations, the reality of my heart (scary!), and at the same time preparing me for what lies ahead of me. Being a mom is tough. Being a mom of two little ones is difficult. Being the mom of three... I can scarcely imagine. But motherhood is what I was called to. Staying at home with my babies, homeschooling eventually, and raising them in the way of the Lord... this is serious stuff! I didn't have children because they are cute and I love baby hair rubbing against my face (oh how I look forward to baby hair!). I had children because that was the longing of my heart, a desire planted deeply by God who knows the REAL me! Sometimes I wonder what in the world He was thinking when He gave ME, of all people, children. Yikes- yes, pity my children. 

I don't know what lies ahead. I'm praying for a healthy baby and a safe delivery, but I'm not guaranteed either one. I'm praying for the complete absence of depression after Abby arrives, but who knows... I might still have a few lessons to learn from this circumstance. Whatever comes, whatever happens, whatever I may still endure.. one thing I know for sure is that God never changes. And THAT is something to be happy about. :-)