I had a bad night last night... and I mean BAD. I went to bed around 1:30am with Braxton Hicks coming between 10-13 minutes apart and I got this feeling similar to a kid who knows Christmas is in the morning. I had a hard time falling asleep. I woke up around 2:30 or 3:00 WIDE awake. I'm talking like 3 cups of coffee wide awake and those Braxton Hicks still coming. I figured I'd forget the clock and try to go back to sleep, but it was at that point that sleep seemed impossible. I was up going to the bathroom with pressure and waddling back to the mattress about a dozen times and each time I thought to myself- I can't do this. I'm begging and pleading for labor to just get started already. I didn't care that I had only an hour or so of sleep. All I cared about was no longer being in this limbo. Give me a baby or give me sleep!!! My mind went berserk. I started thinking that if I just squeezed hard enough or if I could just do other terrible things that maybe this misery would stop. I didn't give into those thoughts and I played solitaire to keep my focus on something else. No one will know the depths of darkness that I have experienced during this pregnancy except God Himself. My midwife told me that this last surge of hormones are contributing to these worsened feelings. Prenatal depression is a scary thing. All you want in the world is to be happy and excited and to take in all the wonder and beauty of a life giving process, but you're sunk in this hormone induced sadness and anxiety. I don't like feeling like this. I'm not even a "bad" case. My depression is minor compared to some women. What upsets me the most is that my husband and children don't get the "real" Libby. They get this angry, sad, out of control, sometimes nice to be around woman who can't seem to get the hint that life doesn't revolve around her. No one except Larry can really see how much I hate being pregnant and how desperate I feel to have my child in my arms and for me to return to being the real me- the woman who can focus on the blessings in life, to take in each moment no matter how much effort and patience is required, to wake up each morning thankful, going to bed (even if for a few hours) actually feeling tired and looking forward to each new day, the mom who can just let the mess go (it's the only thing I have control over and so my focus is on that when it's not on how helpless I feel), the person who can smile with a genuine-ness and not plaster it on so that others won't worry about me. When I say that I'm ready for her to be here and how awful it is at night to think that maybe this is it and wake up and it wasn't... I truly mean it. I actually told Larry, after pitching a horrible fit one afternoon, to take me to get a c-section because I am SO done! Loving and understanding husband that he is replied, "It's only a little while longer. She'll be here healthy and happy and we'll be holding her in our arms. You can do this- it's only a little while longer."
When Larry proposed he didn't just ask me to marry him. He asked me if I trusted him "this much". I don't think he knew what he was getting into, but I guess I didn't either. We never anticipated that life would be like this. But the question remains the same, do I trust him this much- to provide, to care for, to encourage- to say what I need to hear when I need to hear them or to not say what I don't need to hear. I don't think I'd appreciate Larry as much as I do now if I had never experienced this situation. Mind you- I've probably been like this for longer than I've been pregnant- I had remnants of this after Stephen, but they became more severe after I became pregnant again. Sure he's gotten frustrated and downright angry, but he's always been here.
Let's face it, as great as Larry is- he'll never fully understand what I go through. There are some things that I've been too scared to talk to him about because honestly- those things scare the tar out of even me! I've come back to this specific thought... I don't have a high priest that cannot be touched with the feeling of my infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as I am, yet without sin. It's in Hebrews 4 verse 15. Jesus Christ- the One that died for the sins I have done, do, and will do... He understands my weaknesses. He knows what I feel and think. He knows how far I've fallen and when I reach up- He, without hesitation, grasps my drowning soul and pulls me up. He sometimes chooses not to take the storm away from around me, but He's standing next to me- making the craziness bearable. Those nights when I want to simply sink and drown in my mind, give up, and let go of life... He doesn't ignore my pleadings and cries and whining and at times my shouting and mental cursings. He doesn't walk away nor will He ever walk away when I need Him.When I came to know Him as I child I didn't anticipate how much He would bring me through and daily He asks me this question, "Do you, Libby, trust me this much?" Do I trust Him to bring me through each crazy and sleepless night? Do I trust that He indeed knows what He's doing? Do I trust Him when He says He's in control of it all? Do I trust Him when He says He loves me and do I trust Him when He says, "Just a little while longer."?
My life is not some random thing floating in a world of meaningless junk. I am made with a purpose just like this little person growing inside of me. I know that He has great things for the both of us and God's given me a stronger desire for her safety than for my well-being (thankfully!). As much as I hate being pregnant- that's how much I love her. That's how much I love all three of my children. As weak as I am in body, mind, and soul- it just shows how strong the God I serve is. He even tells Paul, "My grace is sufficient." He's the only One powerful enough to overcome the issues I have, the instability I experience in my mind (and hips). So when all of this is over and the "real work" begins, I can look back and tell the world- God be glorified! He brought me out of the miry clay, out of the deepest pit of my life, has shown me immense grace and mercy, and has given me the gift of another beautiful daughter- my little Abby. Only a little while longer... only a little while longer.
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