Well... as any pregnant mother will tell you, the first trimester is pretty scary. This is when 80% of miscarriage occurs and there's really nothing you can do about it. 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and if this were to happen to me- I wouldn't be the only one who's been through it. But it is still scary. I told Larry last night about my fear and he told me, "Why don't you take it to the Lord?" He is the great Healer and Comforter after all- so why not? I just laid there and said a silent little prayer. "Help me not to be afraid and help me to trust You." With Phoebe, I stopped exercising for a few weeks because I spotted (which was actually implantation bleeding but I didn't know that). With Stephen (I experienced implantation bleeding again), we went to the ER because I thought I felt something was wrong and I feared miscarriage (which was actually bacterial vaginosis and I developed it again in the 3rd trimester). With Phoebe I saw her at 6 weeks via sonogram at a pregnancy center. With Stephen, I saw him at 10 weeks in the ER. So here I am again... that weird feeling- that fearful feeling- creeps back. I wonder if I just saw Shiloh, would that make me not worry? Seeing would be believing. But Jesus said, blessed are those who believe without seeing (well, He didn't exactly mean it in this context, but it's applicable).
Pregnancy didn't really sink in for me with my two previous little ones until I saw the little moving entity in those ultrasound rooms. But this baby... this baby has already become so real. I look at my beautiful daughter and my incredibly cute son and I think to myself, "Shiloh is like them. One day he/she will be in my arms, then crawling, and then walking and talking!" This pregnancy is sooo different in one major way. It feels real to me even though I don't see them. The fear of miscarriage is so palpable because Shiloh is so real to me.
Where do I run? Who can I turn to? No person can tell me it's going to be alright and know completely for sure that everything is going to be alright. Only One can give me peace. Only One can comfort me as I walk down this dim path. I trusted Him with my body before becoming pregnant and I trusted Him carrying me through labor and delivery. Why of all times would I not trust Him with Shiloh's little life? Shiloh is His gift to me. He allowed me to become pregnant and enjoy this gift... not just enjoy Shiloh's presence after they enter this world, but Shiloh was given to me for me to enjoy him/her in the now, even though I don't see them. There's a reason God has allowed me to feel the reality of pregnancy without seeing them. I need to trust that the purpose is for my benefit and more importantly for His glory.
Oh me of little faith. Help my unbelief. Give me peace and let my soul rest in You. Thank You for Your gift to me... my little Shiloh. Protect him/her and if it be in Your will, let me see him/her with my own eyes in August.
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