Whew! And WHEW! And maybe add a "Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!," in there too... Somewhere.

Can I confess something? Okay, I am finding that four kiddos is a million times harder than three. I transitioned from two to three fairly easily (aside from the sleep deprivation), but I could be wrong and have totally forgotten how hard it was. This is the basic daily situation: not only is one of the older three left out of something, they scream and argue and take toys from each other and besides the normal tasks of feeding, clothing, and putting all of them down for naps and changing two of them, I have to wash dishes, laundry, and make sure the floor stays decently clean so I won't have one of the middle two eating off of it. Oh bless the day, Lord. As I have said many times before, this parenting thing is a "fly by the seat of your pants" kinda job and a constant "fail/learn/figure a better way to do it" cycle. I am cloth diapering two kiddos and Abby is not quite ready to potty learn. Honestly I don't have the energy to put into the monumental ordeal that is toilet training. Maybe when the littlest little starts sleeping for longer than 4-5 hours at night and isn't breast feeding constantly while awake, I will consider trying to figure out how ready Abby is. All that to say is aside from meeting the basic needs of Emma, I feel like I can't do a single thing right. The kids argue til the day's done, scream and fight like cats over raw cream, and sit for maybe a few minutes at a time. I raise my voice (okay I join in the screaming match from time to time with my own thunder boom) and try to find a minute or two to confess my utter agony over losing it with my kids (particularly my oldest who just turned 5 and, like her mama, insists she is right no matter what, questions everything, and tells me exactly what I'm doing wrong). Please tell me I am not the only mom out there who does this. I absolutely hate yelling and I seriously want to cry (and have done it more times than I care to count) every time I get a breather during the day. Gracious. I have pleaded with God to take away my anger and frustration (and maybe force my actual voice to take a vacay?), but if there was one thing I struggle with on a daily basis- this would be it. Parenting has shown me all of my faults and weaknesses more than an earthquake in California. I love getting up early in the morning after those 4-5hrs of blessed sleep to read my bible and drink my coffee, to spend time at my Father's feet and say I can't "do" today without you. This whole Mama gig is tough business and I am not enough. YES! It IS okay to get real here. It IS okay to admit that motherhood brings you to the edge of yourself, breaks you into the million pieces to reveal your core, and the only ONE who can heal you, who can heal your kids, and heal your home into what He has planned, is The Lord Himself. Did that make sense? Let me rephrase: only God can make your family into what it needs to be. Even the best mom can't do it on her own. I encourage my mama pals in cyber world to come to a place where it's totally okay to not be enough, to not have it together. You are human, your are beautifully and magnificently human. Your kids, my kids, are all wonderfully and blessedly human! That feeling inside when you feel your blood pressure may be rising, your head just might explode, and the only way to let that kind of crazy out is to open your mouth and scream/yell out to God- that is humanity. Only God perfectly handles frustration and anger. Take heart- the God who made the universe didn't just leave you to fend for yourself. He gives us an example and the tools to parent and is right there in the nick of time in every situation. He also knows what we are capable of and where we totally blow it and He is patient and loving in the midst of our impatience and unloving-ness. So just to clarify: I'm not the perfect mother. Heck, I'm not even close to being in the running for mom of the year, but for some reason God above gave me four earth-side crazy awesome-filled vessels of suh-weet insanity. I trust (and even in the moments i doubt) God knows what He is doing even if (and especially when) I don't.