Survival Mode

Time is flyin' by (probably because I spend less time asleep and the grogginess has taken over my mental clock). Abby has officially outgrown her newborn GMD fitteds, which is totally cool with me because the small GMD's have extra layers that hold in her heavy wetness better, and she's starting to have longer stretches of being awake! Does it matter that she wants to nurse constantly while awake? Probably, but I'll save my groaning and appreciate the fact that her nursing more means she's growing. Oh yeah- I also have a 3 year old and an 18 month old who for the past couple of days have been sick... and guess who else got it? Yup. Yours truly.

So I've been praying that the littlest little doesn't get what we've got and so far she seems to be doing well. Last night she officially initiated me and this chunky white spit up ended up all over my shirt and chest. Fun. After the first week of being by myself and getting along pretty well, I expected this week to be better. I was wrong. Abby has decided for the past few nights that she wanted to wake up every hour and the kids have decided to not nap when she naps during the day. I've been in sleep deprivation mode, dragging myself through the daytime and wishing I could get 4 hours of sleep straight (without waking up super duper full to a screaming baby). When I think "I can't take this anymore!" something ends up happening that makes me think "I can either be thankful for this craziness or I can go insane." Last night when all three children decided to join together in the whining and crying, I had that kinda moment. I decided to be thankful and that made me feel alot better. Today I had that moment again when I wanted to get dinner in the crockpot, breakfast on the table, and the kiddos had other plans. "Mommy- I wanna watch Grandma Bunny (a Veggie tales DVD)- Phoebe." "WWWwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! (I wanna nurse!!!!- Abby)." and of course "WWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! (I'm hungry too!!!- Stephen)." I'm thankful at least ONE of the three can actually talk. What did I do? I nursed Abby (she can't hold on as long as the others), I put dinner in the crockpot, nursed Abby again, made bacon&egg tacos, sat the kiddos down, ate, got Abby out of her bassinet, ate my food, nursed Abby again, and cleaned up the post-breakfast mess. Abby's down for her nap, it's almost lunch time, and I actually had a few moments to fold diapers and laundry and put a load in the washing machine. Dishes are somewhere on my mental to-do list along with a nap and shower. I should call it my "wish" list. 

I was checking Facebook also while the two were playing nicely in the living area and I thought to myself, "I so don't know what the heck I'm doing." Will I ever figure this whole mom thing out? Probably not completely, but I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll stop flying by the seat of my pants and actually get a system in place. This past Sunday I received a gift from a sister at the chapel... a HUGE book about home management with multiple children. The more I read the book the more discouraged I became because I thought to myself, "How am I going to implement any of this while attempting to not pass out during the day?". How do I get it together when I can't seem to get my brain in order? The biggest thing that stood out as I continued to read was, "It takes time, but even more importantly- you can't do it alone. Give each moment to God and pray without ceasing." I'm not a good pray-er. I'm a great talker ironically, but something happens when I'm quiet and talking to God and I just seem to start thinking more and praying less. Focus is something I struggle with immensely (unless it comes to housework- sad I know). It's like I have ADD when I pray. A simple morning prayer can go something like this:

       Dear Father God, Thank you for a couple hours of sleep and thank you for my family. (I've gotta wake up Bubba so he won't go poop in his diaper.) Forgive me for getting angry with my husband for such and such. (Oh I need to take the trash out... where did Larry put the big trash can?) Help me to not go crazy today and help me to be patient with the kiddos. (Ugh- Abby's awake! Need to get blah blah blah done so I won't forget about it later. OH there's Phoebe. .... BUbba's awake- I'd better get him up now. Gotta nurse Abby before she goes into severe fit mode.) Thank You God for grace and I WILL talk with You later- please let the kids take a nap together at the same time. Bless Larry at work and bring him home safely. Amen. (rush off to start my day)

So- yep... you can see why I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. Chaos from the first moment each child wakes up. This is not how I was meant to live. I feel like I"m merely surviving each moment of every day and my husband and kiddos are the ones to pay for it. I feel like a total screw up most of the time. I can't get anything right and I beat myself up inside because I feel like my kids are going to hate me one day for being such a failure. You can only imagine what I feel like when someone says, "You're super mom!" I think "Oh if you only knew how much of a fake I feel like right now." and smile this little awkward smile. I know you are your own worst critic, but sometimes I can't imagine how anyone could think I, the one who can't figure this parent thing out, am anywhere near a decent parent. But then God graciously reminds me to look at my children. They are happy, healthy (most of the time), and they really love each other. I'm glad that them growing up into wonderful women and man doesn't solely depend on me (although I have a pretty important part of it). 

Lunch time... here we go. Abby's still asleep thankfully, and the kids are watching Curious George (more like playing with the noise in the background). Lunch time... and more time to redeem. For y'all who think that you to are flying by the seat of your pants... we should really get together... or not. There might not be enough room for all of us.