The sonogram revealed not only the gender of little Shiloh, but an anomoly called a choroid plexus cyst. If you google it, this formation (like a bubble) occurs in 1-3% of all 2nd trimester sonograms and 90+ percent clear up on their own. A CPC doesn't effect the development of the child, but is can be a "soft" indicator of Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome) and Trisomy 21 (Downs Syndrome). This is my understanding from all the googling I've done in the past couple of days. Trisomy 18 is 10 times rarer than trisomy 21, but is a far more serious condition that results in severe birth defects which result in death before adolescence. Both of these situations occur in less than 1% of babies with a CPC. So although the situation is rare and usually clears up on its own- the less than 1% is pretty devastating.
Let me say that I'm not worried and after hearing the news we've decided to prepare for the "what-ifs" but not dwell on them. We are going to schedule another sonogram for some time between weeks 28-32. By then the CPC will have cleared up on its own. Since we are planning for a natural labor and delivery at a birth center, the possibility of something more serious calls us to be prepared for a hospital delivery. This is the main reason we are having the second sonogram done- to just be prepared for a change in our plans. Little Shiloh is in very capable hands and the situation is completely out of my control. The God I serve loves me very much and loves my little child very much so the questions, "Why me?" and "Why this?" only set my mind up to doubt this simple fact. I'm learning more and more that when I become frustrated with God about the what ifs and whys, I'm furthering myself from the JOY He has in store for me every second of every day.
As I researched everything that this CPC could indicate, I realize it does no good. I'm one of those "I want to know right now and I don't enjoy surprises unless they come in a bouquet of flowers or a get together with friends." so you can only imagine what my mind does. I've got to research and KNOW what's going on. Unfortunately- this very ingrained desire of mine only sets my heart and head in a place it doesn't need to be. Whatever happens will happen whether I look stuff up or not. I will still love my little baby girl as much as I love my other children. If we have further challenges to face after her birth then we will by God's grace and mercy. I'm not being flippant about this either... this could potentially be very serious, but the potential does not exceed the God I trust in. Every trial I pass through passes before Him first and nothing comes as a surprise. That gives me a hope and peace that can't be explained with words.
For the past few nights I've laid awake just feeling little Shiloh kicking like crazy and move around. She's so much like Phoebe was. I think back to when I was expecting Phoebe- I was in shock and so excited about having the girl I never thought was possible (my husband has 5 brothers and no sisters). Here I am in a situation I never thought was possible... EVER! I'm nervous about having another little girl. I'm realizing more and more that I'm the role model they will look to for wisdom and guidance about womanly things. What kind of example will I show them? I just expected to have all boys and for Larry to carry the "burden" of being the role model, but my expectations have been blown out of the water. I feel inadequate and ashamed that I'm not what I need to be for my children. What a promise is given to us in the bible- when we ask for wisdom God doesn't withhold it from us! He wants to come to Him freely and curl up in His lap and at times even cry those tears that express what words can't.
I listened to a program on the radio for a few minutes yesterday on my way home from HEB. The speaker was talking about letting Christ serve us. It begged the question, "When did I stop allowing Christ to serve me?" Peter said, "No!!! You can't do this!" But Christ responds with a resounding, "Unless you allow me to do this, you have no part with me." Yikes! As a Christian, my mind is set up to always be serving Him- doing stuff for Him and doing things for others in His name. But I can't do those things unless I allow Him to serve me first. I know it's a weird thing to wrap my mind around, but it's true. The grace He gives each day- do I let Him give it to me and do I dwell in that grace OR do I say, "No- please don't, I can do this on my own, but thanks, anyway." When I'm at home with my kids all day- do I receive the wisdom and patience He holds out for me afresh each morning and moment by moment? I must confess it is a resounding NO!!! And now with my little Shiloh... do I reach out and accept the peace only He can give or do I dwell in worrisome thoughts and the "what-ifs"? This is the place He has brought me to. Do I just drag myself along kicking and screaming or do I let Him lead me? These thoughts are somewhat revolutionary because I have to allow myself to be changed. He doesn't ask me to do anything He hasn't done already and He will never ask me to do anything that is too much to handle outside His strength and love.
I am convinced that nothing can separate me from His love. Praise be to God!
1 comment:
Im sorry sissy. If it's any comfort they said there was a chance for Nadia to have down syndrome and she came out fine. On the other hand, Mina and all her dr's and therapies are a special reminder that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And when Mina's special needs and dr's become overwhelming she looks at me and says I love you mommy. And that's all I need to hear. Every step from speech therapy to starting meds and kindergarten. 3 years ago I couldn't carry on a conversation with Mina and sometimes I still can't but she's come a long way. Just remember that each and every child no matter normal or otherwise are gifts. :D And we love little Shiloh no matter what. :)
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