Battle Wounds

"Stretch marks and incision scars are not reminders of the body we lost, but the precious lives we gained through a journey that brought us to the brink of death and back again. These "daily reminders" are beautiful and we should look at them with pride, not shame." (is it okay to quote myself?)

Lately, as I've been working out in an attempt to gain some semblance of my pre-pregnancy form, the grief I give myself about my post-pregnancy bod has made a ferocious comeback. I go through these spurts- sometimes I'll sink into a mini-depression about my looks and then in a matter of minutes I'll rebound with a sense of joy as I look at my "battle wounds" (as my husband calls my stretch marks and extra flab). I feel healthier than I have in years, I actually weigh less now than when I got married (astonishing I know!), AND I have two incredibly beautiful children who I would NOT trade in for the most "picture perfect" body ANY day.

I want to be okay with myself. Well... not just okay, but you know. It helps for me to think about everything I had to go through in order to successfully get pregnant, carry to term, and deliver a healthy baby (two actually). More and more women are seeking fertility drugs and invitro fertilization as a means to have the children they desire. A lot of those women never have successful attachment to the uterine wall and look then to adoption. There is a small window of opportunity even for fertile women when the egg is "available" for fertilization. So many factors have to be "just right" in order for a successful "zygote" to form and impant itself to the uterine wall. Once the implantation occurs, the mother's body goes in to "sacrifice" mode. Between the raging hormones, vitamin deficiency, morning sickness, sciatica, weight gain (loss), high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, and other conditions that plague a pregnant woman, a baby is being formed far beyond a mother's control. Then, as sad as it is, miscarriage in the first trimester occurs in 20% of all pregnancies. That's 1 in 5 little ones who will not survive to the second trimester. Out of the remaining pregnancies, some of these children will not survive to the third trimester. And out of those, 1 out of 10 of the women will have a premature rupture and deliver a premature baby, or because of illlness, infection, or lack of proper care even more little ones will not reach the critical 37 week "term" mark. And of those who do make it to term, some of these children might not survive labor and delivery. And in rare circumstances the mother will not survive labor and delivery.

I go through all that to say, when you consider how much a mother and child have to go through in conception, pregnancy, labor, and delivery... stretch marks and incision scars have little importance. When I'm completely honest with myself, I realize I take for granted the two little lives that God graciously allowed to see the outside world in good health. I look at my stretch marks and forget all that we had to endure so that I could have my "jewels". These stretch marks and redistributed body fat are reminders of how incredibly miraculous my children are and what a gift it is to carry them in my own body. I'm amazed at the journey my physical body had to tread in order for Stephen and Phoebe to be with me. My God, the Creator of the Universe, the Savior of my soul, made it all possible and I'm absolutely in awe.

I hope this is not going to make pregnant women or women who are wanting to conceive scared of the "if's". I write this for the women who (like myself) sometimes look at their postpartum bods in disgust or sadness. I encourage all mothers out there to write (or just think about) their pregnancy+labor+delivery story (for each child if you have more than one) and reflect on the miracle of conception, pregnancy, and delivery because it IS indeed a beautiful MIRACLE!