As a first time preggo- everything was cause for anxiety. What's that pain- is something wrong? I don't feel right- is something wrong? I'm a hormonal wreck- is this normal? I'm sooo fat- ugh! I don't exercise enough, I don't drink enough water, I don't get enough protein, is it normal to have these feelings? What is baby going to be like, what's LABOR going to be like, is it gonna hurt as much as I think it will? I just want this baby OUT!!! And turns out... we both came out of everything just fine. I know there are alot of women who don't have as great an experience and yes there are women out there who have an even better experience (like no ripping, all natural, and look as great after as they did before they got pregnant). And then there's women who can't get pregnant... or can't have a "normal" pregnancy.
So here's to the second go-round. Totally different experience so far... except for the nausea and achiness and potty breaks round the clock. Different gender, different demeanor, not so much kicking, and not so much anxiety. I didn't even feel pregnant for the first trimester (the only reminder was the aforsaid three). I've taken a lot of things for granted because the first pregnancy went off without a hitch (it was when she wanted to come out that things went awry). But new anxieties have arisen. The main one being- LABOR.
I know what not to expect this time around. I'm not expecting to flitter into the hospital calm or collected. i'm not expecting for everything to go according to plan and most definitely I'm NOT expecting to have a painless experience. With Phoebe I was induced and they said that the contractions were alot harder than "natural" ones. After all was said and done- I had figured I could handle any contractions that weren't as hard as those ones because honestly- they hadn't been super bad like "I'm going to kill someone" bad or "I'm going to die" bad.
But now the hard part... what DO I expect to happen? I know it's going to hurt and it's gonna hurt sooner. I never really experienced labor before my water broke- and I only experienced Braxton Hicks (that I could discern) a few times. My body freaked and well... I wish I could say I didn't. I know that if I go "natural" I probably will tear and it's gonna hurt alot more because I'll feel it this time. I know that if I have an epidural the chances of repeat spinal headaches are possible. Some days I wish I was completely oblivious to what could happen. So many if's and I have absolutely no control over them whatsoever.
I remember talking to a dear Sister about my fear of having another child and she told me to think on Christ. I asked her... how? She explained that Christ knew exactly what was going to happen though He had never experienced it before. He knew the pain He'd endure and He still followed through setting His face like a flint- totally focused- to the point where His disciples were in fearful awe. He also knew He would be completely seperated from His Father- totally alone. But above all Christ knew that it would not last forever and at the end of the suffering, shame, and loneliness, He would triumph and bring many people into Heaven with Him.
I know it'll be painful, possibly excruciatingly painful, but it won't last forever. "And it shall come to pass" has become my encouraging term. The nausea- has come to pass- thankfully! The pain shall come to pass, the fear shall come to pass, the labor shall come to pass, and after it all there will be my little son- cradled in my arms. There we will be- a growing family. That will be my focus... the end of one stage and the beginning of another. I actually feel peace about the end of this pregnancy period- the labor and birth. And that is the best feeling in the world to a growing Preggo on her second go-round.
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